What’s Crackin’: Weasels VS Woodpeckers

This Week In Stuff

Rent-A-Village

Is it time for the Cariboo retreat yet? Because we’ve got the perfect place. For just 700 euros a day ($775 US or $900 CAD or 93,000 Yen) an entire Hungarian village can be the setting for your own Eyes Wide Shut themed sex party. In an effort to revive this slice of paradise, the Hungarian government is renting out the quaint town for the rich playboy that likes to keep his concubines in separate huts. A representative from the country claims that it all started as a joke one day amongst her colleagues while unwinding over some drinks (as most great ideas that never get fulfilled come about), they started really thinking about the logistics and realized it was a good idea. Apparently it was a good idea as they are already claiming to be pretty overwhelmed with bookings, so you better pick out your human sacrifices and reserve your village today!


That Stupid Dress

Okay, let’s just get this over with. A picture of a dress absolutely befuddled the internet when nobody could decide what color it was. One person would see white and gold, another would see black and blue, yet nobody could agree on what color the dress actually was. Social media spun into an out of control frenzy, as best friends became enemies and strong relationships were put into question. I am one of the few that saw it as white and gold first, and then saw it transform into black and blue before my eyes. Before we start the argument again, let it be known that the dress was proven to in fact be blue, and if you saw it as white, don’t be mad, you were supposed to see it that way (and your brain is healthy). The lighting of the picture is awful, and the white background made it so that your brain tried to present the color to you in context, after all, color is in a sense not actually real, it’s just our interpretation of the reflection of light. With that said, anybody that posts about this stupid dress again is dead to me. Case closed.


Walt Disney’s Ghost Returns

Did something escape the Haunted Mansion ride? More than likely in an effort to revitalize tourism to their measles ridden dump land, video footage from 2009 has resurfaced on the web depicting a strange apparition gliding through the empty park after hours. Some speculate it is Walt Disney himself, while debunkers are stating that the footage was on reused VHS tapes and the supposed ghost is run over from previous footage. A good argument, but not sure if that explains how this thing glides through the frames of various cameras, and also why isn’t there more things bleeding through besides this illuminated figure? This is definitely not the first ghost image captured on tape in the Happiest (Haunted?) Place on Earth. A quick google search will give you an idea of the lush history of paranormal activity in the park. So next time you’re there, why not try and do a little ghost hunting? Or just continue hitting on Snow White. She’s totally into you.


Weasels Riding Birds

This week a photographer in East London was enjoying a stroll with his lady parts when he caught a stunning photo of a baby weasel riding on the back of a woodpecker. The internet leapt with joy as these two cute objects were momentarily put together like some sort of Finding Nemo animal love fest fantasy. Unfortunately, these animals were actually in the midst of a bloodbath, as the bird probably just discovered the little runt raiding its nest. According to several medieval paintings, these oblong rodents have been spotted doing this to birds for centuries now, putting a new spin on how the Wright brothers got their idea. Excuse me while I strap my hamster to this Cockatoo.


RIP Spock

Leonard Nimoy, known for his role as Spock in Star Trek passed at the age of 83 from Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (bad lungs). Although most of us only know him as the logical and calculative Vulcan character, he was also very active in all of the arts, including writing, directing, singing, and photography. A true creative indeed, and he will be missed amongst nerds and geeks alike. William Shatner of course missed the funeral this weekend, and was criticized by fans, although he had a legit excuse as he had a prior commitment to “charity”. Yeah, whatever Willy Shats, we all know you’re a jerk, and need to make that Priceline money. If your life is as long as it takes you to deliver your lines then you’ll be around forever. Why is it always the good ones that go? Live long and prosper.


Hipster Horoscope

Week 28: Crazy Cat Ladies

Aesop told a tale about the time the gods were hanging out on Mount Olympus and they were discussing whether or not a living being could change its nature. Jupiter believed it was possible and Venus thought it was impossible. They went back and forth on the subject for a while until finally they decided on a test.

Jupiter kicked around town until he found a female cat and then he turned it into a young maiden. Next he found her a man to marry and there was a lavish wedding feast. The cat lady acted very well and greeted the guests with perfect manners. Jupiter said to Venus, “Check it out. She is a lady now, look at how well and proper she behaves.” He was right. She was a classy lady.

Venus did not buy it though. She observed the young cat maiden behaving herself perfectly and she turned to Jupiter and said, “Oh yeah? Watch this.” then she threw a mouse on the table in front of the cat woman and the feline bride went nuts. She knocked over the table and disrupted the chocolate fountain and fell immediately back into her nature of hissing and clawing. Venus said, “See? I told you so.”

What Aesop was teaching from his silly little tale was that we may hide our true nature but we can never really discard it. In this case the nature concealed is that of violent savagery which comes out ferociously. That is not our nature.

Don’t be afraid to let the true nature of your self come out. Don’t conceal your kindness or generosity. So often we hold back to fit into the “wedding party” that we are expected to behave in even though we don’t belong there. The cat was a poser.
BE YOU! And get that mouse- meow.

Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” Bruce Lee

-Mark Sims


This Week In New Music

Alt/HipHop Pick: Shut-Ins & The Colony

Vocalist Lucas Dix (of hip hop outfits Hives Inquiry Squad and Jellyfish Brigade) has teamed up with electronic producer Shut-Ins and many musical friends to bring the collaborative album Underwrought (Re)Works. The dynamic release spans from sounds of boom bap rap to R&B and back again. Check it out and purchase the full record here: http://neonautumn.bandcamp.com/


Dance/Soul Pick: Tuxedo

Northwest producer Jake One (known for frequent collaborations with Freeway) has teamed up with singer/songwriter Mayer Hawthorne to bring some funkadelic tunes that will get you out your seat and twerking like a Prince song just came on and it’s ladies night. We’re definitely feeling this throwback vibe, get the album from Stones Throw Records here: http://www.tuxedofunk.com/


Indie Pick: Of Montreal – Aureate Gloom

The indie rock band from Georgia that has capitalized on using Canadian cities in their name, is back with their 13th studio album, and it sounds just as sweet as always. The lo-fi guitars set the stage for melding folk and funk to bring some easy tunes to bump on a sunny day while the east coast freezes. Pick it up here: http://www.ofmontreal.net/

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