What’s Crackin’: Warp Speed Edition

This Week In Stuff

NASA Has A Warp Drive

You may have seen an article popping up claiming NASA is one step closer to traveling space at warp speed, and it’s true! Although the technology has been toyed with in China, the UK and US for a while now, NASA has been running tests in conditions that mimic outer space. Known as the EM (Electro Magnetic) Drive. The technology uses electrical energy to create extreme thrust without rocket fuel. Rumor is traveling this way will not only be at an insane speed, but will approach if not surpass the speed of light. Here we go, ready to rip a hole in the space time continuum. Let’s do it. Warp speed ahead Captain!


Penis Graffiti Gets Potholes Filled

Are you tired of having potholes all over the city making for a bumpy ride to work? Are you tired of showing up to important meetings wearing half a latte on your pants? Perhaps it’s time to take a lesson from UK graffiti artist “Wanksy” that is using dick drawings to get the city to solve a problem. By drawing crude crotch shots around potholes in the streets. City workers have worked quick to fill in and cover up the penis paintings, getting something done that would have been put on the back burner forever. This just shows that a little creativity may spark the initiative in others to take action. Next time you have a problem, draw a dong on it


Japan’s Roller Coaster Bridge

As if they couldn’t get any crazier Japan has built a terrifying bridge that looks more like a crazy roller coaster. The Eshima Ohashi bridge has an extreme incline to allow ships to pass under it, but in the process puts Six Flags repertoire to shame. Just to give you an idea the bridge was recently featured in a new car commercial to show off the vehicles durability, so good luck getting your ‘89 Honda Hatchback down that without losing a wheel or two. The bridge stretches for a mile and will empty your gas tank by the time you reach the top, so hopefully coasting down it will provide enough momentum to get to the next filling station. Look Ma, No Hands!


The Dildo Urn

A great gift for the soon to be widow. Designer Mark Sturkenboom has invented the first ever dildo urn to keep your deceased lover’s ashes in, just don’t leave it on the mantle. The fully functional phallic coffin comes in a classy box complete with a scent diffuser, and an amplifier for your iPhone, so you can play the perfect playlist while taking a trip down memory lane. I’ve got to admit that if I were to be cremated I wouldn’t mind having my eternal resting place get a little action sometimes. Just imagine trying to explain that one to the new romance. The name of this little device is “21 Grams”, because it holds 21 grams of ashes and just coincidentally happens to be the theorized weight of the soul. A sexy soul. So reserve yours today and make sure that you’re somebody’s plaything, even in the afterlife.


Orgy Destroys Airbnb Rental

A nice Canadian couple from Calgary recently decided to make a little extra cash by renting out their home on the popular website Airbnb. They handed the keys off to a couple of adults for the weekend and were happy to let some vacationers use their home and explore the city. However, when they returned they found their house filled with garbage, cigarette butts, vomit, urine, blood, semen and any other bodily fluid you can think of. Neighbors reported seeing a party bus pull up and over one hundred people were in the home at one point getting freaky (I’m sure the video will pop up on one of these porn sites at any moment, I swear I’m refreshing the page just for research). A Spokesman from Airbnb stepped in stating they will be pressing charges against the man who rented the home and caused what is estimated to be around $50,000 in damages. Not to mention the mental damages from knowing the bed you make love to your wife in was just used for a coke fueled gangbang. To whoever threw this party I got four words for you; Where was my invite?


Hipster Horoscope

Week 33: The Big Nothing

I wonder what the biggest thing observed in the universe is. Is it a star, a supernova or an ancient cosmic deity? Guess what it is because there will be a quiz later. The answer is that nothing is the biggest thing observed in the universe. Check out this space madness: An astronomical survey found an area where about 10,000 galaxies seem to be missing. They found a 8.1 billion light years across that has nothing there. True emptiness. Event Horizon starring Sam Neill comes to mind.

Researches believe that this spot may account for areas of the universe that are unusually cool. Cold black cosmic darkness blacker than any Scandinavian death metal band actually exists. That’s not comforting at all. Don’t worry, it’s way out there and we live in the warm light. In actuality the area is not completely empty nor a true “void”, just 20 percent less dense than the rest of the universe. That’s plenty.

I take from this discovery that emptiness is just a natural part of the make up of things. Don’t sweat it. It is not that uncommon, emptiness, the universe is already 99% empty space and the rest is just scattered collections of atoms as insignificant as a hand full of sand tossed into the sea. The only thing that has stood up to science and has proven to be eternal, infinite and all encompassing is nothing. Nothing at all. Atreyu gave his life fighting the nothing not knowing it had already won.

I urge you, hipster, to embrace the cold darkness. Just kidding. Never do that, you are sketched out on the edge as it is, instead be aware of the nothing. You are a magical collection of atoms making something. You are a rare gem in a vast reality of emptiness. Take advantage of that, use the unusual gift of life bestowed upon you as a cool and unusual thing to be marveled and celebrated. Recognize that every living thing is a wonderful rarity most unusual in an overwhelming abundance of nothing. Those people we call unfortunates, the ones we look down on and the people we hate are just as special and as rare as us. Be a good mass of atoms.

”We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.” CSN

Mark Sims


This Week In New Music

Rock Pick : Pale Honey


Hip Hop Pick : Oddisee – Counterclockwise


Alt Pick : Rozi Plain – Friend


Proper Knocks Podcast

Ep7 – Ceschi & Ecid Interview

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