What’s Crackin’: Unicorn Tears & The 90’s

This Week In Stuff

Nickelodeon To Launch 90’s Programming

If you grew up watching classic shows like The Adventures of Pete & Pete, Rugrats, Hey Arnold, Salute Your Shorts, or Rocko’s Modern Life, guess what? You’re getting old now. You probably already know this since you are changing a dirty diaper from a baby you made with a wife you met on Myspace. That’s right, the generation of Pog slingin’ Kool-Aid Slammer drinkin’ 39-cent cheeseburgers on Wednesday havin’ Razor scooter enthusiasts are all grown up. Luckily Nickelodeon is bringing you kids a TV Land of your own. The Splat has been announced to launch in October, and will run all of your old-school favorites in an effort to deescalate your Netflix hours into a trip down memory lane. Won’t it be great when Ren & Stimpy is referred to as an “old people show”? Might as well start ordering Denture cleaner by the bulk, luckily you can Amazon Prime that if you even know how to work the internet ya old fart.

New Human Species Discovered

A missing link in the human species has been discovered, and no, it’s not Donald Trump. Over the last couple of years researchers have been excavating skeletal fossils from The Rising Star cave in South Africa. The new/old species dubbed Homo Naledi (which translates to Star Man) were found in a small stone chamber one hundred feet underground, evidence suggests they were lowered through the small crevice one by one as some sort of prison? The strangest thing is their age, scientists believe they could be anywhere from a million years old to only tens of thousands. Close in structure to the 2003 Indonesian “Hobbit” species these small humanoids show that they more than likely walked upright but were still avid tree climbers. With only one-third the brain size of us Homo Sapiens, it’s no wonder the idiots got lured into a cave and lured down a hundred feet to their demise. Good riddance!

Kid Shows Teacher Homemade Clock, Gets Arrested

Racial profiling in America hits another all-time low. Ahmed Mohammed, a 14 year old Muslim from Texas with dreams of becoming an engineer was eager to show his teacher the digital clock he made out of a pencil case, but instead of praise was met with handcuffs. The teacher felt that the clock could have actually been a bomb and alerted officials. During his arrest police say when asked what the device was Ahmed only replied that is was “a clock” because that’s what it was. After being arrested and suspended social media came to the rescue and Ahmed was invited to The White House, Facebook and Google for his interest in science. It’s been fourteen years since 9/11 America, and if you still believe that was caused by anyone other than the US itself then you’ve got a head full of your own butt. As a result of this colossal mix up it sounds like Ahmed will be transferring schools, and that’s good, but for the love of you and all of your family, get out of Texas ASAP!

A Bottle of Unicorn Tears

Who ever said that unicorns don’t cry? Because they do. A UK liquor company is releasing its newest product to market, the magical elixir of Unicorn Tears. Containing “100% edible silver pieces” this stuff is sure to make your sh*t sparkle. Move over Goldschlager, there’s a brand new stomach ripping colon slicing potion on the shelves, and it’s not cheap. At over $60 a bottle the makers claim it’s because of the arduous process of finding sad unicorns, because let’s face it, when you fart rainbows it’s hard to get depressed. Alright nice gimmick, but we know a little something about the hard working citizen that needs a tasty beverage after a long day of making the world a better place and your watered down confetti in a perfume bottle ain’t cutting it. Spare the mythical creatures and get with a real one, drink Cariboo.


Foul Mouthed Parrot

And now because we all need a little laugh, and animals can be total jerks too. Here is a video of a parrot spitting on a dog and calling him a f**king c**t, because that’s nature folks.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 45: Sniffin’ Butts

I just read an unbelievable story that is interesting and offers an answer to a question that I never put any thought into whatsoever. The story comes from a Native American Tales website and is said to be Ojibwe in origin. With no further adieu, Ojibwe we go into the story:

Long ago dogs and wolves lived together and the dogs were subservient. Eventually the dogs decided that people were nicer than wolves and went to live with them. This caused bad blood between the two animal tribes and the wolves would lay total carnage onto any dog they encountered. This was a big problem to the dogs so they decided to have a meeting at their sanctuary. At the sanctuary the dogs were told that nothing unclean could enter so each dog had to remove his penis and put it in a basket by the door.

While the dogs were having their meeting, a wolf suddenly appeared at the sanctuary and the dogs panicked. They knocked over the dick bucket as they tried to grab their wangdoodles and escape but many ended up grabbing the wrong ones. Possibly some upgraded on purpose, I would. Now to this very day, whenever dogs greet each other they do a quick frisk to check if homeboy has their weewee.

Truly a story that, like I said, gave me an answer to a question that I never cared about AND I feel a little concern for dogs and the whole wolf oppression thing. I am riled up about something I know nothing about nor care about. I better Snopes it to make sure it is not just a rouse from PETA to make me think dogs have rights or something. Unfortunately the Ojibwe did not have Snopes and this resolution to the canine butt sniff enigma was embraced whole hearted. I realize the time of this culture but dammit, misinformation is misinformation and lack of answers is no excuse for shoddy research. This goes for all ancient cultures and it wasn’t their fault, of course.

Verifying that people have a history of accepting easy answers to life’s useless mysteries lead me to find the point in our history when we matured enough to stop doing that. When did we stop getting riled up over things we know nothing about or don’t really care about? I haven’t found that point and I will not find it until Doc comes back with the DeLorean.

It is okay to not know. It is okay to not be a smarty pants on every subject. When someone asks me, “have you read Such and Such by So and So?” a common book, I’ve seen the movie and yet I honestly say “No.” and embrace the chance to obtain new information at the cost of my ever fragile ego. Not so painful after all.

Stories like the doggy one I told you are all over the interwebs. They hit you with all kinds of falsities designed to give easy answers to our social problems. “Its cuz they are racist.” Ass sniff. “It is because drugs.” Ass sniff. “It is because we don’t know.” Tail wag. Avoid fables and don’t be mislead….dogs are lead.

New Music This Week

Alt Pick: Metric – Pagans In Vegas

Get it here: http://www.ilovemetric.com/

HipHop Pick: Bleubird – Lauderdale

Get it here: http://fakefour.11spot.com/bleubird-lauderdale-pre-order.html

Experimental PIck: CocoRosie – Heartache City

Get it here: http://www.cocorosiemusic.com/