What’s Crackin’: The High High-Elf Edition
This Week In Stuff
Portland’s Sh!tty Water Problem
This weekend the city of Portland, OR put out an E.Coli warning urging residents to boil their tap water before use. This coming just weeks after a drunk teen urinated in the city’s reservoir forcing them to flush 38 million gallons of piss tainted H20 (wouldn’t be the worst thing I drank). Seeing this E. Coli warning as a challenge, being the adventurously lazy daredevil I am, I gave a big middle finger to the notion of boiling anything. I chugged 8 glasses of straight sh!t water a day and hit the toilet like a fire hydrant. See, I know their tricks, and I refuse to be a pawn. After this heroic act of bravery the water ban was lifted, and I am now either immune to E. Coli, or I now have a tapeworm. Here’s to losing weight the old fashioned way.
The Alien Monster of New Mexico
A video surfaced on the internet this week of a strange Jellyfish like monster reported in the desert of New Mexico near Durango. The footage shows soldiers standing back watching the strange huge blob fluttering above the red sands. Before long a fighter jet appears and lets loose a few missiles on the real life Godzilla villain. I didn’t really believe we would be invaded by giant alien monsters, but this video makes you think twice about how maybe Starship Troopers wasn’t that terrible of a movie, but a warning to us all.
High Elf Jousts BMW
Another piece of news from Portland, OR which is turning out to be a funny and calmer version of Florida. This last week a LARP’er went a little too far when he took a bunch of acid and decided to take his Live Action Role Playing high elf character to the morning streets to battle rush hour traffic. The man who is just as weird as Portland gets, reports that he often uses drugs to fully immerse himself in his role playing characters sometimes for days at a time. Things took a strange turn when this time the acid had convinced him the 7am workday traffic was a horde of his enemies. He stood in the center island jousting cars before a BMW stopped and the man proceeded to climb on top of the car and pierce his spear into the hood and tires. “She must have been giving me real bad vibes” the high high elf stated.
Kanye & Kim Get Married
And so it truly is the end of times. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian officially tied the knot this last week in a sacrificial ritual that will surely bind the couples souls to the underworld. With celebrity guests galore, including live music by Andrea Bocelli, we can guess this conjoining of the narcissists costed more than a royal wedding funded by the House of Tyrell. While Beyonce’s sister beats up Jay-Z we can only guess that this marriage will provide TMZ with the juiciest of marital problems. Kim and Kanye are like a reality show (but real) that is so disgusting it only makes you feel better about your own shitty life.
UFO Spotted in Eastern Canada
This week there’s monsters in New Mexico, and last week there was a UFO filmed destroying a Taliban camp, but to top it all of in East Canada this week a man observing the glaciers spotted a strange spherical object hovering above the ice and spinning rapidly. Skeptics say that this could be a mirage caused by fog, heat, and cold (much like the mirage that may be responsible for the Titanic hitting an iceberg) only upon viewing this supposed mirage definitely does not look connected to the ice below in anyway. The man who filmed the video states the object was spinning rapidly before suddenly disappearing into the background. Decide for yourself!
This Week In Cariboo
Over the past year Cariboo has sponsored Happy Ending Fridays at Fortune Sound Club. We are thrilled to announce this solo art exhibition for local artist Soak.
“One of Vancouver’s most infamous street artists, SOAK, has been contributing to Cariboo culture for years. In the past decade there is not another artist around that has hit up as many trains, walls, bodies, toys or canvases as him. We thought it was high time we collected all the pieces he has done for us for a showcase. What better place to do it than Fortune Sound Club, the venue to best support street art in the city if not the country. Most of the art on display was created live on site at previous events and in fact SOAK will be on hand for this occasion doing a live canvas painting throughout the night.“
Head Honcho – Cariboo Brewing
Join us Friday, June 6th at 9PM as we raise a Boo to one of the city’s finest artists at one of the city’s finest night clubs. Special guest DJ Cherchez La Femme will be playing and without her we may not have been invited to be a part of Happy Ending Fridays in the first place, so special thanks to Cherchez… we can’t wait to celebrate with her and YOU!
FREE with guest list before 11pm by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org with ‘Your Full Name and CARIBOO’.