What’s Crackin’: Teen Spirit Edition
This Week In Stuff
Microchip Found In Napolean’s Skull
A story has been floating around the internet that claims scientists recently discovered what looks like an alien microchip in Napolean Bonaparte‘s skull. This suggests the French leader was actually under extraterrestrial mind control during his rampage through Europe. The story has been showing up on all kinds of news sites, and we have yet to see it debunked by Snopes.com, so for now it’s legit (and explains the short-guy complex).
Largest Volcano In The Solar System Is In Pacific Ocean
Now for some terrifying news. The largest volcano on the planet, scratch that… The largest volcano in our entire solar system has been found in the northwestern Pacific Ocean. The previous record holder was the Olympus Mons on Mars, but this little next door neighbor of ours named Tamu Massif, has it beat by a long shot. The volcano is said to have peaks about as high as the Sierra Nevada‘s, and a circumference around the size of New Mexico. It’s kind of a coincidence that this discovery was made right around the same time as the announcement of the following story.
The DNA Deep Storage Project
Right now the Hornsleth Project is taking place, and could be our saving grace in facing human extinction. A vast steel sculpture has been made that is currently being stocked full of human and animal DNA samples. Once filled, the sculpture will be sealed and lowered into the depths of the ocean. With the onslaught of nuclear fallout, World War 3, and giant volcanoes, it’s time to think about how we’re going to survive all of this, and the answer is easy, we won’t, but our sperm will! You can check out the project HERE and see how you can donate a sample of DNA to help restore humanity in case we all get wiped out (because apparently there will be a survivor that knows how to do all that).
Drunk Wasps On The Attack
You thought your step dad was an angry drunk? Just wait until you encounter a drunk wasp! The British Red Cross issued a warning to UK citizens that tons of wasps are piss drunk and ready to sting the shit out of you. The problem has arisen because the queens of the colonies are fully supplied with nectar, and so the male wasps have nothing to do but sit around drinking fermented fruit and f*cking up anything that comes near them (sounds like college). The only solution to this problem is to let them have what they want and wait for them to eventually pass out in a puddle of their own porn collection.
The Boob Masseuse
Now for some good news. The voluptuous (to say the least) 34 year old Kristy Love is offering to jog your mammary by giving massages with her giant 48NN breasts. The masseuse states the massage is intended to keep you “focused and in the present.” Just seeing this woman’s wonderful water balloons has got my full erection, er I mean attention. Being smothered by huge boobs isn’t cheap though, the “happy man works” special comes in at $300 an hour. Time to get a second job. Luckily this will relieve that stress. Other massage therapists are getting a bit cranky at Kristy Love‘s proposal, seeing it as unfair. Somebody needs to tell the itty bitty titty committee to shut up and drop the rates on those handies.
This Week In Camobear
Evil Ebenezer – HOWL Pre-Orders
This upcoming week marks the release of Evil Ebenezer‘s newest full-length HOWL. The pre-orders are up and include awesome one of a kind products, such as an “Evil” flask, and HOWL 12″ Vinyl, so get ’em while you can! Check out the packages and preview the first single HERE.
This Week In History
Canada Declares War On Germany
Canada gets a lot of flack in the US from people that think we don’t even have an army, but they got it all wrong, our army is awesome. It’s not just mounties patrolling these trees. In fact, Canada was part of the first string of nations to stand up and declare war on Nazi Germany at the beginning of WWII along with France and Britain. This week in 1939 marks our nation’s first independent declaration of war, ending with over one million Canadian citizens serving in the effort to overthrow the Third Reich. We have done some great things in our country’s history, but this was one of the most brave and selfless acts we could possibly muster. Here’s a toast to being badasses and stopping Hitler! Crack a ‘Boo!
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” Nirvana Single Released
It was this week in 1991 that the single for Nirvana‘s mega-negative-hit “Smells Like Teen Spirit” dropped, along with the panties of every grunge chick at the same time. Only a few weeks later the anti-stereotypical video followed on the release of their cult classic album Nevermind. Having sold over 30,000 copies of their debut album Bleach, which was produced on a $600 budget, it was obvious that Nirvana would stake their claim in the music industry. Kurt Cobain had to be talked into keeping the song on the album by his band mates, after he had admitted that he felt self conscious about a song that was a total rip off of The Pixies style. Luckily at that time nobody had heard of The Pixies (Kurt was the ultimate hipster) and they went on to sell millions. Then he died. RIP.