What’s Crackin’: Spam Snacks & Stupid Cats
This Week In Stuff
Birth Control Pills For Dudes
Great news haters of condoms (everyone), science has developed the first ever pill form contraceptive for men. There have been rumors floating around this year about the possibility of designing a pill that would bring your sperm count down to zero and prevent the spawn of satan from ever escaping your loins, and in the UK this product may be available sooner than later. The lack of hormone usage in the current recipe has doctors beleiving this will soon be the preferred contraceptive of choice. Great, just another thing for the lady to nag about.”Did you take out the trash? Did you fix the garbage disposal? Did you take your birth control?”. This is all a lot to take in. Lady, I can hardly remember to brush my teeth everyday let alone not get you pregnant.
Bite Sized Spam Snacks
Eggs and Spam or Spam and eggs? How about just a nice little cube of Spam to keep in your pocket? The Monty Python boys would have a field day with this one. Spam (the strange gellatenous canned ham product in case you’re rich and don’t know what I’m talking about) has announced their newest invention, perhaps their only invention since Spam, and that is bite sized snack bags of Spam. No longer will this pig face delicacy only hit your gut in a dollar store compulsive/desperate purchase, but you can now eat your tiny Spams wherever you please! On the bus, in the gym, anytime you want gum, at work, and of course at that fancy vegan restaurant all the people you hate keep talking about. Never leave home without it. Might as well pop open a can of Vienna Sausages while you’re at it. Oh, the places Spam will go!
Man Adopts 1000 Children
Due to some crazy loophole in Germany, any child you adopt will automatically receive healthcare, schooling, citizenship and all kinds of other human rights we’ve never heard of in North America. Over there one smart German living in Paraguay has taken advantage of the law and is getting “revenge” on the country by helping impoverished kids. Only needing consent from the mother, so far this man has legally adopted over 300 children in poverty and has bestowed them with access to the necessities in life that most take for granted. He plans on adopting over 700 by the end of the year and continuing through mid-2016 until he’s got that lucky number 1,000. Doesn’t this guy know they’re about to release birth control for men? It’s all fun and games now but what happens when 1,000 single moms start calling to collect child support? #BROKE
Stupid Cat Videos Are Good For You
Perhaps there’s a reason we are obsessed with silly cat videos on Youtube. There is no easier way to lose an hour than through the giggling fiasco that follows a nice LOLCats binge. I mean humans just love cats in general, the Egyptians worshiped them thousands of years ago, and they have since evolved to infect our brains with a parasite that makes us in love with them (in love with the smell of their pee to be exact). But what if there was a deeper exchange going on? Science now says that watching cat videos can actually be extremely healthy for the brain. A boost in happiness, energy, and kindness are all common symptoms of cute cat observation, and the best part is you don’t even need a stinky feline infecting your brain with a stupid parasite to feel the benefit. The next time you’re feeling blue, just google “cats that look like Hitler” or “cats that look like Ron Swanson”. I guarantee you’ll be feeling better in no time.
Man Robs Bank With Sex Toy
Ever felt like robbing a bank but only stopped because you remembered how expensive guns and bombs are? Take a lesson from this man in Pittsburgh, PA that robbed a bank with nothing but a dildo wrapped in duct tape. This guy just strapped a big floppy strap on to his chest, told the teller it was a bomb, and made off with enough cash to buy all the explosive dildos in the world. The plan probably would have worked had the man not been stupid enough to be found hanging out in a nearby parking lot for an hour after the heist. The bomb squad was called in to carefully search his car, but sure enough all they found was the rubber sex toy he probably pleasured himself with only moments earlier using. If you’re going rob anywhere with a jerk off accessory, remember to actually flee the scene of the crime, not just chill down the street with your favorite dildo and see what happens. Finally a way to monetize male masturbation.
Week 38: The Wise Men of Gotham
It is a legend that King John, the medieval king, wanted to travel through the village of Gotham in the County of Nottinghamshire. He planned to build a hunting lodge nearby. The law at that time is that any road that the king traveled was made a public highway and the people of Gotham did not want a public highway through their village. The story goes that when the king’s messengers arrived the people of the village pretended to be idiots. The messengers “found some of the inhabitants engaged in endeavoring to drown an eel in a pool of water; some were employed in dragging carts upon a large barn, to shade the wood from the sun; others were tumbling their cheeses down a hill, that they might find their way to Nottingham for sale; and some were employed in hedging in a cuckoo which had perched upon an old bush which stood where the present one now stands; in short, they were all employed in some foolish way or other which convinced the king’s servants that it was a village of fools, whence arose the old adage, “the wise men of Gotham” or “the fools of Gotham”
King John is said to have changed his mind about his lodge location based on this report and from the event, “Wise Men of Gotham” tales were created that told stories of absolute morons that have been retold for a millennium. Good stuff were these medieval tales and I share one with you now.
Once upon a time, the Wise Men of Gotham found a watch on the ground. They had never seen anything like it and they examined it curiously. One of the Wise Men hears ticking from the device and says. “Can you hear that ticking? It must be an evil spirit locked inside.”
He drops it and they are scared to touch it until the bravest of them picks up a rock and hammers the watch until it is totally destroyed and no longer ticking.
The Wise Man says “That taught that spirit a lesson”. The men high five and chest bump proudly for they have defeated the evil spirit and they left the watch a broken mess as they went on their merry way.
That, my hipster hominids, is a centuries old tale about science vs. superstition and the world is riddled with “Wise Men of Gotham” to this very day. Let’s try to change that.
“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool” William Shakespeare,
This Week In Music
Metal Pick: Ken Mode – Success
get it here: http://www.ken-mode.com/
Rap Pick: Czarface – Every Hero Needs A Villain
get it here: http://www.esoterichiphop.com/
Alt Pick: Heartless Bastards – Restless Ones
get it here: http://www.theheartlessbastards.com/