What’s Crackin’: Sell Your Poop Edition

This Week In Stuff

Womens Prison Break

This week in South America, Twenty-eight inmates at an all female prison walked out the front door after being set free by some smart seductresses. According to statements, two women showed up to the prison in sexy police costumes with a bag full of dominatrix gear. They lured the guards away from their stations with the promise of an orgy, and then drugged their whiskey and handcuffed them like a page right out of Cosby’s playbook. Way to spoil the next season of Orange Is The New Black. Photos were released of the butt naked guards tied up and hungover. Sure, it’s their fault but can you blame them for falling for this? I would expect that if prison dominatrix orgies were to commonly happen anywhere it would be Brazil. Major props to these strong women that know how to easily confuse any man. Just put a boob on it.


Sell Your Poop

You can make money selling your blood and sperm, so why not poop? A non-profit company called OpenBiome is offering $13,000 a year for your everyday toilet tyranny. Not only will you be cashing in on old shit, but you’ll also be saving lives. Poop transplants have become growing in popularity in the medical world amongst patients suffering from severe intestinal bacteria infections. Unfortunately no ordinary derriere delights will do, the screening process to donate makes you an unlikely candidate unless you truly have the perfect poo. Time to stock up on probiotics and fiber, we’re going to make a finklephiliac fortune.


Wikipedia Beams Into Outer Space

Astronomers are planning to beam the entire contents of Wikipedia to hundreds of star systems and planets in an attempt for communication. Hoping the mass amount of information regarding the human species will reach somebody or something. So far we’ve just been sending out bleeps, bloops, and Happy Days reruns (because The Fonz is universal) to no avail, but perhaps this new approach will finally entice some alien race to invade us. Time to edit Chuck Norris’ page, just to get some facts straight and make sure they attack him first. Though SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence Institue) is thrilled to try and make contact, Stephen Hawking warns that “if Aliens visit us the outcome will be as when Columbus discovered America, which didn’t turn out well for the natives.” Way to pull the race card bro!


Grammys 2015

This week the Grammy Awards happened, and just like every other year it was full of pop artists receiving awards pretty much based on who has the most money. There were however a couple of surprises, Sia had an amazing performance, Eminem won Best Rap Album for a not-so good Marshall Mathers LP 2, and Beck (an actual musician) won album of the year. Kanye did what Kanye is best at; being Kanye, and rushed the stage as if about to “I’ma let you finish” Beck, but sauntered off like he he already got the point across. He was about to yet again proclaim that Beyonce should have won, stating “if they don’t start recognizing real artists”, Excuse me Mr. West? Bey did leave the ceremony with three awards, and I guarantee Beck has dominated more synthesizers than beats you’ve jacked. Also it was nice that Kendrick Lamar received a couple of awards after being snubbed by Macklemore last year. Well it’s all over now and none of it ever mattered in the first place.


HIPSTER HOROSCOPE

Week 26: 1948 Superman

I was watching the first episode of the Superman series from 1948 and there is an ominous warning in it that I never noticed before after a bowl of Kryptonite. Jorel is Superman’s father and he is a scientist that has discovered that the planet is going to blow up. His evidence is outstanding and his whole study is sound, fearful and eager he presents his findings to the ruling council and they laugh at him. They say “No way” like that dude in the “Drinking Out Of Cups” video and they send him packing.

He proposes that they build spaceships and all escape to the nearest habitable planet, Earth. Once again, “No way, who does this guy think he is, Johnny Noble?”Little do they know that if they listen, they will all get Superman powers because Earth’s sun is like crack to Kryptonians. Jorel makes a little mini spaceship for Superman baby and launches him to earth alone and Krypton explodes in 1948 cinematic spectacularity.

Here is the ominous part that is a recurring theme in the History of the Stupid that the writers of Superman were trying to tell us. Politicians are pompous know-it-alls and we should listen to inquisitive scientists instead, especially when our ass is on the line.I know what you are thinking, Congressman Blowhard knows better than some vigilant 18 hour work day researcher with a divine desire for knowledge and an actual dedication to what they do. This is no good for any country. Please reconsider.

Since people began messing things up there have always been other people who were smart enough to see it happening. Utter destruction and dominion over everything is not cool to a rare few outstanding individuals. History has it’s Thoreaus, Muirs, Darwins and Attenburroughs everywhere and if you read their stories you will see that each and every one has faced opposition from politicians. This is a disease that some scientist needs to study as it is pandemic and undeniably deadly. Fight for the cure. The scientist is the only anti-body we’ve got against this plague.
The only positive aspect I can see from this whole analogy is this: Had they listened, we would have had a bunch of Kryptonian politicians with super powers running us into the ground instead of just one awesome SUPERMAN!!!


This Week In New Music

Indie Alt Pick: The Districts – A Flourish and A Spoil

Get the album here: http://thedistrictsband.com/


HipHop Pick: Hezekiah – Dreams Don’t Chase Themselves

Stream the full album here: http://www.djbooth.net/index/albums/review/hezekiah-dreams-dont-chase-themselves


Hardcore Pick: Retox – Beneath California

Get the album here: http://epitaph.com/artists/retox/release/beneath-california

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