What’s Crackin’: Pizza Pope Edition

This Week In Stuff

Boner Giving Spiders Infest Bananas

Need to add some danger to your sex life? The Tesco grocery chain of the UK, infamous for serving horse meat, was now found to be carrying poisonous spider infested bananas. This particular spiders venom happens to give four hour long raging boners and can potentially lead to death. A British couple returned home from the market to find their bananas were completely infested with these angered arachnids known as the Brazilian Wandering spider, one of the deadliest in the world. Tesco didn’t do much to rectify the situation but advise the woman to bring them back to the store (to infest the rest of their stock I assume?). Next time you’re having trouble maintaining your magic stick, take it to the next level with a potentially deadly spider bite induced erection. Let’s see 50 Shades tackle that scenario.

The Suge Knight Hit-N-Run

I am now realizing that I can not wait until they make a movie about Suge Knight. A What’s Crackin’ regular that has been featured a few times for his outrageous stunts that almost always give a complete disregard to human life. He is still living that Thug Life, and has somehow survived. This week Suge was arrested after running over two men that he says “threatened his life”, one man was killed, the other injured. Mr. Knight in his genius thug ways simply claims he’s now blind in his left eye and couldn’t see the people he ran over. Don’t you hate when you randomly go blind, fail to tell anyone and just drive around all day anyways resulting in vehicular manslaughter? Good story bro.

Ecstasy Legal In Ireland For One Day

Due to a systematic loophole, ecstasy, ketamine, mushrooms and meth were all legalized for a 24 hour period this week in Ireland. Their government nullified a law in order to pass a new one, which technically left a day gap in which possessing and consuming any of these substances was temporarily legal. Nothing too crazy happened in the 24 hours of legalized fun time, just an increase in leprechaun sightings. In a land where the public fountains run on whiskey, who really needs to get stuck in a K Hole? The crappy thing about this? Marijuana was not legalized, and people could still be imprisoned for taking bong loads and making spaghetti tacos, but accidentally starting a gangbang in the mens room and petting the carpet for hours on dubstep night is totally fine.

Naked Man Attacks Hunter, Claims He’s Bigfoot

A man in Oregon was out hunting one day, when he saw a naked man rummaging around the forest. As the nudist approached the hunter remained calm and tried to start a conversation but was struck over the head with a rock and tackled by the man. He began choking the hunter and claimed that he was a Sasquatch. The hunter was able to wrestle him off and hold him at rifle point. Police came and took the bald bigfoot away, and the victim was treated at a nearby hospital. The supposed Yeti is now facing ten years in prison, for impersonating Harry Henderson. Let this be a warning to aspiring bigfoot hunters that the rabbit hole of Cryptozoology is a perilous and pantsless path.

Pope Francis Misses Pizza

Probably the coolest Pope of our times is now saying he wants to end his reign early because he misses going out for pizza. Awwh, he’s just a bro after all. Pope Francis has made pretty much the only positive steps in the already kooky world of Catholicism, by claiming that evolution is true, the big bang theory is highly plausible, and that extra-terrestrial life is totally feasible. We finally got rid of that Emperor Palpatine looking Benedict, get the equivalent of a logical cool guy, and now he’s too cool for us. Nobody blames you Francis, if I got to that title and the Vatican finally gave me the secrets of the universe, being we have no idea, I would totally be like “well f*ck this, I’m going to Dominos.”

Hipster Horoscope

Week 29: The Flow

The art in mastering the paradox of “going with the flow” is a skill all good lifestronauts need to get through our journey through the cosmos with as little disaster as possible. The paradox lies in the duality or multiplicity of flow situations. The “flow” may consist of what everyone else is doing or maybe the “flow” means calming down and stepping back when everyone else is being stupid. Both of these situations are valid occurrences and it is our job to make sure that we are in the right current to get us where we wish to go. The currents of occurrence are continuous and right now things are occurring with or without you. Your landlord may be selling the apartment building you live in right now and you may be moving soon. Tomato prices may go up due to frost damage affecting crops. There are always rapids ahead and our ability to navigate the situations is key to a smooth sail.

Nothing is perfect of course, but to stay in the flow one may want to learn if there are parameters where the currents are best. Fast and smooth, not fast and rocky. Maybe you want a slow float for a while or maybe you are in the mood for some white water adventure, it is actually up to you.

Your response to my revolutionary notions may be, “Wrong. I’m caught in a whirlpool over here and I’ve lost my paddles.” You’ve just got a knot of life currents and we can straighten these out. Get untangled. You’ve got the loans, the job, the family, the bills and court next Tuesday. There are a million different currents criss crossing your consciousness right now. You are just a monkey on a space rock and you were not meant for this. You were made for dancing. You are God’s little monkey.

The flow of our experience is a balance between boredom and thrills just like a river flow depends on the two banks and the river bottom. When a wide flat river decides to go narrow and shallow, things speed up. We crave a faster river when the boredom takes over and tighten the banks to get a little chaos of clubbing and small crimes then when the mood hits we smooth it out with a slow deep river of sleeping in and Bridget Jones’s Diary. Don’t make this a roller coaster. Examine where the river flows and don’t just ride along, remember that the currents are continuous anyway and you are going whether you like it or not so you might as well pilot that shit.

Is that online medical billing course really what you need to take care of your unemployed boyfriend Tony and his two kids from an incarcerated baby momma or do you need to get rid of Tony and open a ceramics studio in a coastal cove somewhere? It’s your life. Paddle away.

-Mark Sims

This Week In New Music

Alt Pick: Ghostpoet – Shedding Skin

The UK based vocalist Ghostpoet is back with his experimental fuse of spoken word poetry with live instrumentation. His low voice range and unique approach to vocal delivery will suck you in and keep you in tune with the heavy hitting backing arrangements. For when you want to think deeply while rocking out. Get it here: http://www.ghostpoet.co.uk/

Rap/HipHop Pick: Heems – Eat, Pray, Thug

While the other half of Das Racist (Kool A.D.) has been steady touring and putting out music for the last few years, Heems has been relatively quiet, but is now on the scene with his debut solo album Eat, Pray, Thug. While he falls back to his intoxicated like delivery, he doesn’t fall short of interesting beats and concepts, from politics to partying. Available on Amazon and iTunes, check his website here: http://nehrujackets.tumblr.com/

Indie Pick: Evans The Death – Expect Delays

Evans The Death has only been around a few years now, but their sound is most impressive for new indie rock. Their uptempo jams keep you moving, but the lead singers throwback girl punk voice keeps you calm enough to get stuff done. Check out their sophomore album here: http://www.slumberlandrecords.com/catalog/show/283