What’s Crackin’: Pig Porker Edition

This Week In Stuff

Yelp For People

There’s nothing more entertaining than reading bad Yelp reviews. I personally like to read them aloud as various annoying characters that could obviously run a better business, hence why they are oh so holy writers of the Yelp review. Well things are about to get a whole lot more annoying as society beholds the launch of Peeple, a review app for you. Sounds funny, a great way to troll your noisy neighbor, or that coworker you not-so secretly hate. The only problem (or cool part?) is Peeple vows to never allow someone to delete or remove reviews unless they violate their terms of usage, so unless you’re posting naked pictures of them or calling them racial slurs, you’re good to give Becky your ex half a star for unsatisfactory handjobs because she just wants to Netflix & Chill. I can’t wait until businesses use this as a tool to give bad reviews to their bad reviewers. Good luck getting any kind of job ever again everyone, I’m giving you all 1 star and a “meh”.

Water On Mars

On Monday NASA announced an exciting new discovery made on our desolate red planet next door. While scientists have been vigorously working on ways to terraform the long forgotten desert as our next chosen destination to completely screw up, they actually found running salt water on its surface. There couldn’t be better news when it comes to the possibility of interplanetary travel, and when it comes to ALIENS! Yep, that’s right, the fact that there is flowing water there means that there’s almost no doubt that they are bound to find some life forms next, hopefully in the form of a giant wicked sea monster that will eat Mark Wahlberg immediately. We are about to see the next big space race, and I guarantee Nestle will all of a sudden be extremely interested in funding it. Unfortunately if they had discovered oil on Mars, we’d already be there.

#PigGate – The Swine Sex Scandal

If you’ve ever seen the first episode of the futuristic dark sci-fi anthology series Black Mirror, then you pretty much already know what happens here, it’s like they totally predicted the future. It was revealed this week that UK Prime Minister David Cameron was in a saucy scandal with a cloven hooved abomination. As part of a sick ritual in a secret club of sorts in his days in Oxford, Cameron revealed that he put his naughty bits in the mouth of a dead pig. Even crazier? He admits it, like “yeah I porked a pork so what?”. If this was the initiation for some stupid Math Club at Oxford could you imagine the unspeakable acts members of Skull & Bones, or visitors of the Bohemian Grove undergo? I hope this is just the first step to a less-judgemental internet era for politicians, because let’s be real, when the Snapchat generation gets old enough to run for office slander campaigns are definitely going to be a little below the belt and eventually our votes are only going to be determined by the least offensive genitals. Did somebody say stimulus package?

Hedge Fund Douchebag

Straight out of college ultra bro douchebag Martin Shkreli played America’s capitalistic system like a game of 52 card pick up, ultimately walking off with middle-fingers in the air and completely winning while we scramble to pick up the pieces. Martin is a young hedge fund manager that quickly bought up the entirety of a pharmaceutical stock for Daraprim, a medication used to treat HIV. After downing some sort of fraternal concoction of protein and Jaeger he decided to become a billionaire overnight. He jacked up the price of the medicine from $13 a pill to over $750, causing huge overnight stock market concern and a Twitter panic that made #PigGate look like the little leagues, and then we walked right into it. While looking like a complete scumbag for doing this, he tried to play it cool and eventually gave in to the voice of the people and started dropping the price drop down. Little to our non-Wall St. awareness however, by simply raising the stock to an alarming rate and then dropping it back down he just made a big bald beer belly buttload of money off of overnight investors looking to get in on the action. Bravo Sir Sleezeball! The already rich win it again (but you’re still a douchebag).

Hipster Horoscope

Week 46: Mazdak VS The 1%

I owe you for the “Sniffing Butts” story I told you last time so here is some actual knowledge I will share with a cool name and an interesting story. Around the year 500 there lived in Iran, a Zoroastrian priest named Mazdak. If think you are ahead of your time, save it until you learn about this cat.

This guy lived in Persia and he was a high ranking priest called a “mobed”. Zoroastrianism is a monotheistic religion honoring Ahura Mazda and it behaves a lot like other monotheistic religions do with zero tolerance. Mazdak began to look at the behavior of his religious counterparts and decided that the whole thing was headed in the wrong direction. He began to lecture on changes within the system relating to the over emphasis of ritual and the lack of charity. He even accused the clergy of oppressing the people and creating poverty. Mazdak’s teaching were popular and he gained a large following with his message of genteel conduct, positive morality and abstinence from killing and eating flesh which was a substance composed of darkness as it was in the animal and not light driven like plants. He preaches charity, love, and peace and calls for social reform in a pure theocratic monarchy at a time when this region was well underway to an even longer history of casual beheadings. The clergy was outraged and began to make up words for pinko-commie with no precedent to this vernacular. Mazdak was clever, however, and called for more of a peaceful social revolution and eventually adopted the king as a follower.

Mazdak believed that Ahura Mazda made everything for everybody but the strong ended up oppressing the weak and this released the five demons of Envy ,Vengeance, Wrath, Greed and Need. It is a unique and interesting concept to view “need” as a demon. The only way to vanquish these demons was to …ok…get this, I’d like to remind you it is 500AD in Persia… redistribute the wealth. What was this guy thinking? With the king on his side he was able to begin social programs and establish aid for the poor and actually institute social reform. He even tried to stop the rich from hogging all the wives and leaving none for the poor.

Eventually the king was over thrown. Who didn’t see this coming? According to the Jewish Shanameh, three thousand of Mazdak’s followers were buried alive and upside down with their feet sticking up and Mazdak was hung upside down from a tree and shot full of arrows. Lots and lots of arrows. More than one to the knee. Why? Because he was a @#$% communist. Ultimately he was not equal.

It is one of many cases of a rabble rouser getting his motor cut. The worst threat to any superior is the tenacity to proclaim any equality- this is true from kings to librarians. It is apparent that these ideas have existed a very long time and the only thing that I really gather from this story is this: in government, the five demons call the shots every time.

-Mark Sims

This Week In Music

The Dead Weather – Dodge & Burn

check it out here: http://www.thedeadweather.com/

Dirty Ghosts – Let It Pretend

check it out here: http://dirtyghosts.com/

The Sheepdogs – Future Nostalgia

check it out here: http://www.thesheepdogs.com/