What’s Crackin’: Man Nipple Edition

This Week In Stuff

Robot Kills Man, Sarah Connor Tweets About It

This week in a German Volkswagen factory, a 21 year old worker was helping to install an assembly line robot when the arm kicked on and smashed him against a metal plate, crushing him to death. This isn’t technically the first robot to kill a human, but as AI becomes more and more of a real thing, advocates in Human welfare are becoming concerned with the dangers of such technological advancement. Pretty soon you won’t be able to drive down the street without a T1000 stabbing its grubby claws through the roof of your car. To make this even more like Terminator come true, Financial Times journalist Sarah O’Connor was first to tweet the story to a huge response of Skynet jokes before Googling Sarah Connor. I’m telling you, it’s all coming true. Isaac Asimov would shit his pants right about now.

Women Fight Censorship With Male Nipples

Hey guys, let’s take a moment to appreciate our nipples. These undervalued and useless anatomy pieces are starting a revolution in feminism right now. The Free The Nipple movement has been spreading like wild, with women fighting for their bodily right to be topless by parading around city streets in protest, a jiggly protest we can get behind. Sure our nipples can’t do much, but they are helping to liberate some sandbags on the internet right now. After the idea of women photoshopping male nipples into their nude pics began re-circulating through social media, girls everywhere have posted their sexy photos with a purple nurple twist. I have to admit, this actually bothers me. Why do man nipples look so weird? Time to edit some girl nipples into my belly selfies and get some retribution. Let’s take our nipples back boys! or maybe not.

Japan vs USA – Robot Fight!

It’s about to get all Pacific Rim up in here. Before America pummelled Japan with an early lead at this years World Cup (Vancouver is still hungover) another rivalry was brewing in the world of robotics. The minds behind US based Megabots released a video challenging Japanese mech builder Suidobashi to a giant robot battle. Let’s be real; Gundam, Voltron, Power Rangers, Evangelion, BattleTech, big piloted bots waging war has been at the nuts and bolts of Sci-Fi since Ultraman saved us from Godzilla that one time. Battlebots is back, Iron Giant is returning to theaters, robots are out there killing people, we are obviously at the pioneering days of kicking some Decepticon ass. Pay-Per-View is going to make a killing with this one.

Man Shoots Firework Off Head, Dies Instantly

Doing idiotic things during America’s Independence Day is nothing new, in fact it’s tradition. However this year shortly after releasing a long standing strict ban on all Fireworks in Maine, a 22 year old resident of the state decided he would launch one of the giant mortars off the top of his head. The resulting blast killed him instantly, and his friends were like “WTF? DUDE?”. Did Will Smith punch that alien right in the face for nothing? These are explosize balls of gunpowder designed to launch at 240KMH and you’re just going to light one on your dome piece? Sure, we’ve all shot a bottle rocket out of our butt crack, but there’s really no need to take it to the next level. Believe that.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 40: Like A Spider In The Toilet

Thomas Nagel is an American philosopher and professor at New York University. In his essay “Birth, Death and the Meaning of Life” he addresses the absolute meaninglessness of life and the possible benefits of non-interference. While he was attending Princeton he noticed a little spider living in the men’s urinal. He assumed that the spider was miserable in its living condition and he decided to help. He writes:

“Gradually our encounters began to oppress me. Of course it might be his natural habitat, but because he was trapped by the smooth porcelain overhang, there was no way for him to get out even if he wanted to, and no way to tell whether he wanted to…So one day toward the end of the term I took a paper towel from the wall dispenser and extended it to him. His legs grasped the end of the towel and I lifted him out and deposited him on the tile floor.He just sat there, not moving a muscle. I nudged him slightly with the towel, but nothing happened . . . . I left, but when I came back two hours later he hadn’t moved.The next day I found him in the same place, his legs shriveled in that way characteristic of dead spiders. His corpse stayed there for a week, until they finally swept the floor.”

You killed Kenny, you bastard!
The inquisitive busy body , Nagel, assumed that the spider wanted a life change. He thought that the spider would run wild and free and enjoy life now that it was free from its cold porcelain trap. He was dead wrong. Actually he was wrong and the spider was dead.

The event really struck at the wonder filled student and he began to ponder the the quality of life in not only people but other human beings. What determines what others really want? Is our own life as chosen the best one? He also began to investigate the factors that provoke our intervention and whether or not this is positive action or futility. Sometimes taking action may result in harm but is the immorality if inaction worth the risk? This is considered to be one of those unanswerable moral dilemmas in Academic circles designed to induce critical thinking, and I just gave it to you. Chew on it a while and maybe learn to mind your own business and help when asked or be more selective in intervention.
I think the spider was at the end of its life cycle and going to die anyway and Nagel knew absolutely nothing about spider science. Did he not see Charlotte’s Web?

-Mark Sims


This Week In Music

Alt Pick: Veruca Salt – Ghost Notes

get it here: http://verucasalt.com/

HipHop Pick: AUDRA – Love At First Sound

get it here: iTunes or Soundcloud

Metal Pick: Cradle of Filth – Hammer of The Witches

get it here: http://www.cradleoffilth.com/