What’s Crackin’: Horse Meat Helicopters

This Week In Stuff

The Bilderberg Conference

It’s that time of year again! The richest and most powerful of world leaders are meeting for their annual review of what sinister moves to make next. What’s in store for this upcoming year you ask? According to their public agenda the emphasis will be on chemical weapons, cyber terrorism, and probably where to get the next batch of baby blood they love to drink. Of all the subjects on their list to discuss, there is not one mention of the environment, because when it all goes down they’ll be under the Denver Airport with the rest of the wealthy elite anyways. Of the 120 or so attendees, 31 of them happen to be in the finance industry, and 21 in politics, so who is really running the show? If this isn’t a shadow government in broad daylight then I don’t know what is. They will meet in the remote town of Telfs-Buchen in Austria so they can have their weird orgies in peace. Princess Beatrix of The Netherlands will be there and that old lady loves to party! Get out the KY Jelly and get ready for another year of getting butt slammed by the 1%. GO EARTH!


Man Impersonates Girlfriend To Take Final Exam

What would you do for love? Would you try impersonating your girlfriend to take her finals for her? That’s what this little dream boat in Kazakhstan did. After being unable to calm his girls pre-exam nerves, Prince Charming decided he would go all Ocean’s Eleven on the school board and dress up like her to take the dreaded test. Well if you didn’t already know it’s pretty easy to spot a crossdresser, but he almost made it before the exam board heard his man-voice trying to be all high and pretty. Nice try bro. If you’re a dude reading this, try to talk like a girl right now…See? Not going to work. You may be able to hide the testes, but you can’t hide the testosterone. The man was fined $1400 for the stunt, but will receive blowies on command for life, so who really won?


Space Porn!

You ever been watching Armageddon and wished Ben Affleck would stop playing with animal crackers on Liv Tyler’s stomach and just bring her along to bang in zero gravity? Of course not because you were too busy crying to that sweet Aerosmith soundtrack. Well lucky for the rest of us the jerk off giant PornHub has put together a sweet IndieGoGo campaign to fund the world’s first ever sex scene filmed in space! Eva Lovia and Johnny Sins are the two brave pornstronauts that are putting their life on the line to see what happens to jizz in space. Does it implode? Can you even get pregnant? You can find out soon enough by donating HERE. Of course you can always count on the porn industry to quit beating around the bush and get down to the dirty truth. Step your game up NASA!


The Horse Meat Helicopter

In the Russian town of Kumertau, the community just celebrated their anniversary with a celebration that brought two of their biggest industries together to make something that sounds like it’s from an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode. The area is known for its helicopter manufacturing hub, as well as its local delicacy of horse sausage. That’s when it hit them, “maybe we can make a helicopter out of all this horse meat?” I dare you to say that aloud. Well they did it. The model was 4 meters long and 2 meters high, meaning you could totally get in it and eat your way out. The feat got them a world record (because meat helicopters is totally a category) and before any of you ask, no, it could not fly. Because in Soviet Russia horse meat helicopter fly you!


It’s Raining Vampire Fish In Alaska

It’s raining scary vampire fish in Alaska? Yes, it is. All over the Fairbanks area, residents have found the terrifying Lamprey fish falling from the skies, like a good old godly smiting. These things look more like giant worms, or baby Tremors than fish, but supposedly they are. I like to think whenever scientists discover parasitic aliens they just figure it’s a strange fish. These bad boys use their sucker faces to latch onto unsuspecting salmon and slurp the flesh right off of them. The theory is that there is a giant school of these things close by and seagulls are picking them up and then dropping them off on unsuspecting spots inland. That’s only because the seagull is midway flight realizing that this is an alien NOT A FISH!


Hipster Horoscope

Week 37: The Sherlock Syndrome

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are in their sleeping bags looking up at the stars. Sherlock Holmes turns to Dr. Watson tenderly and says, no, not tenderly. He turns to Dr. Watson and he says, “What, my good man, can you deduce from our present situation?”Dr. Watson thinks, “I’ve got a PhD., you coke head. Why are you always quizzing me?” but he says, “Well, my dear fellow, I can see by the oak branches reaching over us that we are in a temperate zone. I can tell by the stars that we are north of the equator and by the young leaves on the oaks I know it is spring time.” Sherlock Holmes turns to Dr, Watson and says, “No, you idiot, someone has stolen the tent!”

The great thing about the character of Holmes is that he never believes anyone even if they are absolutely correct. He always sees a deeper truth underlying the honest obvious. To state the cliche, he has astute powers of observation. His powers are so great that to the observer of his skill, he seems to be clairvoyant or psychic.

The true character, created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, is a little different than the movie and television versions. In the originals he is kind of a dick, but its not as bad as it sounds. He is a dick by choice and, being the cleverest man ever, he is bloody well good at it and finds pleasure in it. First of all, the stories are told from Watson’s perspective and what the good doctor describes throughout the exploits is a freak. Holmes is entirely Bohemian, antisocial, disgusted at all forms of society and a coke fiend. His passion for solving crimes has nothing to do with serving justice or aiding society. It is his passion and he is a lunatic genius. Murders, thefts and other crimes are simply crossword puzzles to him and his OCD won’t let it go.
The mainstream versions class it up a bit, the drugs are largely left out and he is presented as a justice crusader. I do not believe this was Doyle’s intent. I believe Holmes was meant to be a misfit, a blight on a dishonest world and an indifferent fact finder. In a world of lies, crime, emotion and attachment a morbid intellectual monstrosity was created. He represents society’s worse fear, someone who can see through all the BS and still give no f@#$.

Holmes, who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul, remained in our lodgings in Baker Street, buried among his old books, and alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition, the drowsiness of the drug and the fierce energy of his own keen nature” – Sir ACD

-Mark Sims


This Week In Music

Alt Pick: J Fernandez – Many Levels of Laughter

get it here: https://www.joyfulnoiserecordings.com/


HipHop Pick: Large Professor – Re:Living

get it here: http://www.fatbeats.com/products/large-professor


Indie Pick: HoneyHoney – 3

get it here: http://honeyhoneyband.com/

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