What’s Crackin’: Heavy Metal STD Edition

This Week In Stuff

The STD Detecting Condom

Condom manufacturers have found a way to make sex even less fun. The new STD detecting condom promotes safe sex by actually changing color based on what sexually transmitted disease you have. Blue for chlamydia, green for gonorrhea, yellow for herpes, so on and so on. It’s like a mood ring for your dangus. The inventors hope that the sex preventing contraceptive will catch on and help teens to make safer choices in the sheets. What a bummer, could you imagine having to deal with that kind of instant embarrassment?  I’d like to put one on just to watch it light up like a rainbow of awful choices.

Same Sex Marriage Goes Nationwide In US

The LGBT community of the United States saw a big win this week when a law passed legalizing same sex marriage across the nation. The conservative right wing side of America absolutely lost its mind reverting to outdated literature that they only follow 10% of anyways. One pastor in Texas even threatened to set himself on fire if the bill was passed, and then immediately backed out once he realized he too was super gay. Regardless of what your belief is there is really no sense in fighting against the beliefs of others. This kind of unacceptable attitude is on par with the rest of the worlds war mongers. Just let people be people and do your own thing. Nobody is forcing your butt cheeks open so calm down. Congrats to all of those that get to feel a little more freedom in their lives. Despite all of the recent tragedies and controversy in America these days, at least they’re trying.

Earth Enters 6th Mass Extinction Event

Seems like we were just starting to get this whole human being thing figured out when scientists went and decided to announce that we are currently in the early stages of our 6th mass extinction event here on Earth. With animals going extinct more and more rapidly, climate change, oil and nuclear power spilling unfathomable volume into our oceans, emissions being put into our atmosphere by the butt load, it should be to no surprise that we are all going to die, and perhaps sooner than later. Stanford biologists believe that Humans are at great danger of being one of the first to go. Due to our suburban encroachment on wildlife habitats, the amount of vertebrates disappearing from the gene pool is shocking. Much to our surprise we also see invertebrates disappearing rapidly as well. If that asteroid doesn’t hit us, and that sun doesn’t flare us, we will still eventually fall victim to our own domination soon enough. Cheers!

Heavy Metal Is Calming

Did that last article give you anxiety? Don’t worry about it, just blast some Sabbath and chill out. Heavy Metal isn’t usually synonymous with relaxation, but maybe it should be? Researchers recently published a study in neuroscience that found the angrier the music, the more calming it actually is. The same study also found similar results with violent rap music and other extreme genres. I mean if you think about it all the people doing real evil in the world probably listen to Andrea Bocelli or someshit. So next time your nosy neighbor wants you to turn it down just turn it up and let Slayer soothe them back to sleep. Hail Satan.

North Korea Invents Wonder Drug

Kim Jong Un, he really can do it all can’t he? North Korea announced this week that a pharmaceutical company within the country has invented the ultimate cure all “Kumdang 2” (sequel to Dang Cum). The vaccination has reportedly been highly effective against curing Ebola, AIDS, Cancer and pretty much everything else. They also claim that some patients became immune to the virus/diseases after treatment since it acts as a super immune system activator. As much as I want to say this is all some penis pinching propaganda, their leader can talk to dolphins so who knows? Until there is some kind of confirmation outside of Kim Jong’s happy horny harem though I’ll stick to bong loads and cheetos for now. Doctors orders.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 39: Be The Bear

   It is summer and it is camping time so I have a camp story for you. Actually it is a Pakistani Folk Tale but it has a bear in it so its totally campable.

Once there were two guys walking through the woods doing guy stuff. All alone, they were, so they promised not to separate for the sake of safety in the wild wood. Bam! A bear jumped out and scared them and they nearly soiled themselves as they scrambled to climb a tree. One guy made it but the other couldn’t get a good hold and he kept slipping so he just fell to the ground and played dead while his friend cowered above.

The bear came up to him and sniffed around his body. It sniffed around his face and he thought that surely this ursine brute was going to eat his head. Then, without warning, the bear whispered something in the man’s ear and walked away leaving him unharmed.

The other guy came down from his safety in the tree and said, “Hey, forest bro, what did that bear whisper in your ear?”

The other man replied,”He said that you were no friend of mine.”

The bear was right. His epic fearsomeness was all that it took to show the true bond between men. No gosh darned loyalty. A shaky superficial bond of self preservation. Don’t be like that, help out others in need, or better yet- be the bear, but be a good bear.

This Week In New Music

HipHop Pick: Nappy Roots – 40 Akerz Project

get it here: http://www.nappyroots.com/

Soul/R&B Pick: The Internet – Ego Death

get it here: http://www.internet-band.com/