What’s Crackin’: Grilled Cheese Wu Tang Edition

This Week In Stuff

 

NASA Says They’ll Find Alien Life Within 10 Years

If you don’t already believe that aliens are walking among us, NASA is confident that they will prove the existence of extraterrestrial life within the next 10 years. Claiming they know more now than ever about “where to look, and how to look”. The Fermi Paradox is the current puzzle for seekers of alien life as it points to the fact that mathematically our universe should be teeming with life on hundreds of billions of planets, however so far we have found none. Are we just kids with a walkie-talkie trying to receive texts? Or are we idiotic monkeys shouting “we’re here!” in a jungle full of Predator? Only one way to find out, and scientists at the forefront of space exploration are sure we’ll have the answer sooner than later. Take us to your leader.


Con Man Emails Way Out Of Jail

Neil Moore, 28 of London was in a maximum security prison awaiting trial for fraud charges. The ingenious con man ended up putting his skillset to the test and emailed his way out. How did he do it? The man smuggled a cell phone into the prison (maximum security my ass) and using the internet service registered a domain name closely resembling the British Royal Courts website. He then created an email address and posed as a court clerk telling the prison managers he had been set free on bail. As an even funnier slap in the face he registered the site under the name Chris Soole, whom was the lead investigator in his case. Neil was set free and after three days had a change of heart and returned to jail and turned himself in. He probably watched The Jinx while he was out and realized your past will always catch up with you, especially when you’re not a multi-millionaire, just a pathological liar with a GoDaddy account.


Man Says Wife Slept w/ Entire Wu Tang Clan

In this hilarious video stripped from an actual episode of Divorce Court, a man accuses his wife of not sleeping with one of, but the entire Wu Tang Clan. I guess they are something to f*ck with. When the topic comes up his horndog lady friend just blushes and comes up with excuses about how she just hung out and talked with them all night in their hotel room, yeah, because that’s what rappers do. Forget about protecting ya neck, better protect your wife. In his infamous words surely to go down in history “she gave Wu some Tang”.


Grilled Cheese Lovers Have More Active Sex Life

In a recent study researchers have found that lovers of delicious Grilled Cheese sandwiches actually live more active sex lives than those that don’t like the greasy cheesy greatness. Duh, what kind of lunatic doesn’t like grilled cheese? That’s like saying you hate music, you are obviously stale and boring. If it weren’t for grilled cheese being vegan would be easy. The study also showed that eaters of the best sandwich in the world are also more likely to donate to charity, and be open to traveling the world. So take that anyone that hates on this staple in trailer park cuisine, you suck. Only a gun toting reptilian like Dick Cheney could possibly hate bread and cheese. So do yourself a favor, eat a greasy cheese sandwich and get laid. It’s what all the cool kids are doing.


New Drug “Flakka” Worse Than The Rapper

It seems that every year in What’s Crackin’ we have to debut a new terrifying drug, and in this oh so holy year of 2015 we present to you Flakka! The new synthetic drug making its rounds in Florida (where else) is known to strike the user with extreme fear and make them believe they have superhuman powers. One man was seen trying to fly over a fence only to impale himself on it and dangle. The drug is highly addictive, and can raise your temperature up to 106, and even cause cardiac arrest. Last years scare was the Russian drug Krokodil that ate away flesh of its victims, but Flakka is more like Bath Salts in the sense that it causes a psychotic episode you may never come back from. To me this drug sounds like it sucks, a lot like the rapper it’s named after. Waka Flocka No.


Hipster Horoscope

Week 32: Shooting Stars

I am pretty sure that the first primitive ancestor of ours to notice a shooting star got pretty scared. Depending on the mindset of this first cognitive human the streak in the sky could have been attributed to a number of things. Mostly awful horrible things, it had to be. The little monkey man would most likely portend dread to the unknown. That’s a survival instinct. Why we fear the dark. Its for our safety, unknown dangers are dangerous because they are unknown and danger abounds. An unknown plant or root could kill our paleolithic hero so surely something as awesome as a shooting star is far more dangerous.

So the cave bro goes to a leader or shaman and points it out to him and the shaman says, oh that’s a god peeking in on us or passing by. Or he says, that star means we are all going to die. Or he says, you are going to die unless you give me 20 sea shell dollars and a virgin soul. This became the preferred explanation.

Millenia pass and still, the shooting stars are messing with people. Traditions say they are omens, heralds and devils. More millenia pass and people figure out what shooting stars are and the shamans have to come up with new lies. Still the mystic past attributed to the event remains in spirit. We wish upon a star or whatever and there is no denying that one feels special when able to observe one. It will always be pointed out.

Now, in the common age we may compare a person to a shooting star. Or maybe a business that fizzled and flopped after a brief run, or a romance that went hot and burned out epically. It is a metaphor for a quick and blazing run at whatever. I call it giving your all. If you happen to be a “shooting star” know this, the common place cave monkeys that you share a lunch room with will not understand you. They will fear you. You could be a bad omen. With habits and values strange and unknown, you offer danger. Their shaman agrees.

Don’t let this deter you from a flash and burn lifestyle because unlike a real shooting star, you can never actually in reality burn out. You keep on shining and will blaze across the sky after a brief rest, moderate nutrition and a new plan. If you stifle that comet’s tail that urges you to do things of passion you will fall to earth too soon and become just another cave monkey. One that’s afraid of the stars.

The only ones for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” – Jack Kerouac

-Mark Sims


This Week In New Music

Alt Hip Hop Pick: Ceschi – Broken Bone Ballads

The owner of Fake Four Inc has a brand new album out produced entirely by Canadian beatsmith Factor Chandelier. Ceschi is on tour now with Ecid and Tommy V, catch them in a town near you and most importantly get the record here: http://fakefourinc.com/


Indie Pick: The Mountain Goats – Beat The Champ

Indie legends The Mountain Goats are back with an LP dedicated entirely to Pro-Wrestling. That’s right you Hulksters, while the rest of the world thinks you are infantile with terrible taste, The Mountain Goats get you. Check it out here: https://www.mergerecords.com/beat-the-champ


Rap Pick: Tyler The Creator – Cherry Bomb

Tyler, The Creator of Odd Future is dropping his fourth release under the title Cherry Bomb. A different approach than his otherwise thematic and dark albums, so get a copy and support OFWGKTA here: http://www.oddfuture.com/


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