What’s Crackin’: Because I Got High Edition
This Week In Stuff
Oozing Metal Sphere May Contain Proof Of Aliens
The idea of life being seeded on our planet from an extra-terrestrial civilization, or “panspermia” (insert sperm joke here) has been a common theory among scientists, but did we just find proof of that on Earth? Dr. Wainwright in the UK was sending balloons up into the stratosphere to collect dust samples, when he found something unexpected. One balloon was found to have an impact crater from something on a journey here from space. He found a tiny metallic orb (half the width of a human hair) that was covered in a biological ooze scientists believe may be microorganisms sent here to create life. It looks like Ridley Scott was right, and the movie Prometheus is about to go down for real. Only time and tests will tell if this is actually proof of outside life forms trying to populate our planet, which brings up the possibility that this is how we got here. Now excuse me while I panspermia all over myself.
Afroman Punches Girl On Stage
We all know weed makes you paranoid, but enough to clock a chick in the face? Maybe. The laid back stoner rapper Afroman was arrested this week when a woman grinded up on him while he was performing and he immediately turned around and rocked her world. To his defense the rapper/instrumentalist stated that the venue had very low security, and the punch was a knee-jerk reaction. I want to say I believe him, but if you watch the video he clearly takes a full swing and looks at her before it’s lights out. There was plenty of time to assess the situation, or just push her away before taking Mike Tyson like measures. I can already see Nancy Grace using this as an example of what happens when you smoke weed. At least the one-hit wonder finally got his second hit, even if it did just cost him his career. “I want to punch girls in the face, because I got high.”
The First Penis Reduction Surgery Happened
A 17 year old boy, kept anonymous, underwent the very first penis reduction surgery this week. While the rest of the world uses pumps, pills, and all kinds of other scams to achieve a larger ding dong, this dude was packing a mammoth trunk that no girl would deal with. For perspective, the average circumference of a regular ol’ weiner is 9 centimeters, and this guy had a girthy gourd measuring 10 inches wide, the kid complained that intercourse was pretty much physically impossible (not in the porn I’ve seen). His poor pocket puppet was ballooned up to the size of a mayo jar, and no hoagie can handle that. I’m sure in retrospect the young man will wish he had just done the right thing and moved to Hollywood where his gift from God could be beamed across the internet and into our alone time for pure shock value, but alas the deed is done.
One Way Ticket To Mars – A Reality Show
We covered the story last year of Mars One, the company that announced its search for Earthlings willing to take a one-way ticket to Mars (and probably die an Event Horizon like death), and this weeks news came that a surprising amount of people were into the idea. Over 200,000 applicants have been narrowed down to 100 candidates, 26 of which will be chosen to be the first humans to colonize Mars (if they make it). To sweeten up the deal for us sitting comfortably in our realm of gravity, Mars One has announced they will be developing and airing a reality series surrounding the volunteers and their journey to the big red wasteland in the sky. How can The Bachelor top that? I wouldn’t mind seeing the Jersey Shore cast blasted into space in a big tuna can to never return. If you’ve ever read The Martian Chronicles, you know this isn’t a good idea, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to watch it all go down in an implosion of glory. Good luck up there!
Jon Stewart Announces Daily Show Retirement
This actually happened last week, but it was right after we submitted the blog, and we couldn’t help but pay our respects this time around. Jon Stewart, whom has hosted the iconic political satire show for 17 years now, has announced that he will be leaving The Daily Show after this year, to pursue other things he is good at (like playing Usher’s professor turned alien in The Faculty). The Comedy Central vehicle has transformed from a funny news show, to actually being the most poignant and fact bearing news program on cable. The Colbert Report also ended this last year, and one has to wonder if these two are actually in cahoots for a 2016 Presidential run? One can only hope. If you’re looking for a replacement, we know of a certain What’s Crackin’ writer that’s willing to do just about anything for a little recognition. In gratitude of the many laughs, and for actually delivering the truth, here is a nice compilation of a fraction of Jon’s greatest moments.
Week 27: Astronavigating
Can you find the big dipper in the night sky? It might take a while but once you find it, imagine that it is tilted and follow where the imaginary flow will fall. That will lead you to the North Star which is always 1 degree of true north. Just past the North Star is a “W” shaped pattern called Cassiopeia. The North Star is right in between Cassiopeia and the Big Dipper. Now you are a star navigator,
If you can find Orion, it is good to know that his sword always points to the south. Now you can find north and south by using the ancient art of astro navigation. The tips of a crescent moon always point to the south also. Awesome.
Stars always “move” across the night sky from east to west just like the sun. If you track the movement of the stars you can determine which way you are going as well. There is also the Crux constellation, the Southern Cross, to refer to. The bottom of the cross always points south. If you can find what the British Royal Naval Academy refers to as the “big three”(Cassiopeia, Orion, Crux) you will never get lost. I believe that you have little chance of putting yourself into a position that would require this type of information but it is still cool to know. We are all about cool. This is the stuff of pirates and wizards.
We all know that this was the relied method of navigation on both land and sea since forever, before compasses and GPS errors. This is probably the only true way the stars have ever shaped our destiny. They have lead us all over this crazy space rock of ours and perhaps in their honor we have given them mystical significance. The night sky is the only thing that has remained stable for us throughout our chaotic and unstable history. The fall of Rome and the bombs at Hiroshima and Nagasaki shook not a single star. We still name them as we identify them and have run out of names as the most massive star ever found is called R136a1 instead of “Eater of Souls” or something epic. They never cease to amaze.
The best way to keep from getting lost as we navigate through our experience is to look for those stable stars in our own lives. These may be the things we look to when the world’s become unstable. Our art, our music and anything we love are all things we can focus on to regain our bearings when we need a star to steer by. A walk by the sea, a roll in the hay or a Star Trek marathon can offer us a “star to steer by” in a willy-nilly lifestyle fraught with misdirection and novelty compasses. Find your North Star and your Southern Cross as the universe looms over your life. Keep your direction if you can and if you have no direction wander but don’t get lost.
This Week In New Music
Indie Pick: Sonny & The Sunsets – Talent Night At The Ashram
If weird lo-fi indie music is your thing, you’re going to love this record. The San Francisco based songwriter is also a playwright, and multimedia artist, so not only will the storytelling be great, but the videos and media to back it up is also very unique. Get the album here: http://www.sonnysmith.com/
HipHop Pick: Mega Ran & Storyville – Soul Veggies
Known for his video game themed concept albums, Mega Ran just released a new album collaborating with Storyville to bring us some raw raps and rhymes without the 8-bit influence. Ran is an amazing wordsmith all the time, but if video game raps aren’t your thing then this album is for you. Cop it here: http://megaran.com/
Alt Pick: Kate Pierson – Guitars & Microphones
The lead singer of the B-52’s has released her first ever solo album. It’s amazing that at her age her voice is pretty much exactly the same, and of course in the video Fred Armisen makes an appearance (he is the rap video girl of indie rock). You can learn more about the album here: http://www.katepierson.com/
Proper Knocks Podcast
Ep 3: Lucas Dix & Shut-Ins Interview
If you like What’s Crackin’, and you like underground hip hop, check out the newest episode of my Proper Knocks podcast, where I sit down and interview Lucas Dix (of Jellyfish Brigade/Hives Inquiry Squad) and producer Shut-Ins on their new collaborative project “Underwrought Reworks” available for pre-order here: http://neonautumn.bandcamp.com