What’s Crackin’: Dad Bod VS Ginger Fest

This Week In Stuff

The Ginger Festival

Hell breaks loose this summer as Chicago announces the first redhead fest in North America. Affiliated with the soulless celebrations in the Netherlands that have been going on for years, the encroachment of demonic forces is finally at our doorstep. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife. Alright, we won’t be too hard on these freckle faced freaks. They did bestow the world with talents such as Conan O’brien, Lucille Ball, and I would say Macklemore but I’m not going to? After all the redhead gene is a rare one, making them a minority that should be celebrated. Plus, remember that angry redhead that took the internet by storm with his hatred for South Park? Yeah, there are soooo many cool gingers. Can you hear me rolling my eyes?


Pee On Your Flowers

A recent study finds that urinating on your flowers will make them last longer. That’s right, something about the strength of our pungent urine strengthens flowers like a Hulk bouquet and lengthens their life after being cut. I’m guessing this is just another false old wives tale like peeing on a jellyfish sting. How many people in pain and near death had a cackling group of friends gathered around pissing on them for no reason? Next time you’re taking that midnight piss in the garden your lady can not complain. After all, you’re just showing off that green thumb that’s been hidden in your pants this whole time.


Hillary Clinton Porn Parody On Its Way

It’s time for perverted political pundits to pull their pud. After all we did get to pretend Lisa Ann was Sarah Palin during the 2008 election, so why not get another shot this election? Just with a much older and wrinkled prospect to shamefully wank one off to. This week in Hollywood it was announced that the official Hillary Clinton porn parody has been filmed, and ol’ Billy boy hasn’t been this turned on since the last time they actually banged in 1998. It looks like long time porn GILF Nina Hartley will be playing the role of Hillary, which makes sense because they both do a sucky job. I’d rather get caught watching a midget orgy than have to try and explain this one to the misses.

 

 


Internet Rages at Jared Leto’s ‘Joker’

The internet is pissed off, and no it’s not ISIS, it’s not police brutality, it’s not flouride in your water, it’s The Joker. Last year it was announced that DC’s The Suicide Squad would get a full length feature film in 2015 with the on screen debut of Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Killer Croc among others. Not to mention the revamped Joker played by Jared Leto. Sure we criticized Leto, wondering what kind of Joker he would make, but considering he’s already insane we gave him the benefit of the doubt. Yet, the image surfaced revealing him looking more like a goth boy high school cosplayer that just got kicked out of Friday Night Magic. Face tattoos and all. the only thing that will save this movie is Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn giving us all clown girl fetishes. I can get down with that.


The Dad Bod Is In

Ashamed of showing off your beer gut at the beach this summer? Stick that belly out and be proud!. A recent article has announced what girls really want, and that’s the dad bod. Forget those unattainable dreams of the chiseled six pack and D’Angelo hip V-line. We can’t all be like Chris Pratt and afford to work out 24 hours a day to make a quick 20 million. Even if I had an Adamantium bone structure I’d be more like Hugh Slackman than that crazy ripped piece of work. Dude probably can’t even get the fork to his mouth without tearing a bicep. Well this is just great news, now my thing for girls with daddy issues is totally reasonable and not creepy at all.


Hipster Horoscope

Week 35: Use The Force

Spring is life, hope, renewal, activity, heart, soul, growth, being, breath, brio, dash, energy, enthusiasm, entity, esprit, essence, excitement, get-up-and-go, impulse, lifeblood, liveliness, oomph, sentience, sparkle, verve, viability, vigor, vitality, vivacity, zest, zing and my favorite: elan vital.

Elan vital is a phrase created by French Philosopher Henri Bergson in 1907 in relation to a theory he had about “spontaneous morphogenesis” ,as in complex things coming into being by way of a natural creative “life force”; elan vital. Basically, he theorized “The Force” long before George Lucas and he was not the first.

Round about 100 BC, stoic philosopher Posidonious (cool name) proposed that there was a “life force” that was emitted by the sun which gave life to all living things. In the 1800’s Arthur Schopenhauer had a similar concept concerning “the will to live” and likened it to a psychological force of self preservation. Schopenhauer was also the first to do a nice study on“pederasty” (man-boy love) so f*ck him.

For centuries scholars and scientist have tried to answer the question of “what is life” and still, not one of these egg heads have gotten anywhere on the subject- maybe because they are cho-mos. Sure, there is much speculation and myriad brilliant ideas but so far as a definitive solution, there is nothing. Mysterious, baffling and wonderful it is. Use it you will.

Using “The Force” is not as far fetched as you think if you look at the writings of these pioneers and scholars of “the know.” Put a plant by the window to perk it up? You just used the force. Build a windmill to turn motion into power? The force. Eat food to transfer into energy? Force again.

There is something that works together in an intricate way to keep the goings going and unless you have a religious belief as to appease you, no one has come up with a consumer friendly explanation. Embrace the mystery and scientific fact that there is no proven reason for why you are alive. You are an enigma. Use The Force.

-Mark Sims


This Week In New Music

Rock Pick: Du Blonde – Welcome Back To Milk

get it here: http://www.dublonde.co.uk/


Rap Pick: Camp Lo – Ragtime High Times

cop it here: http://officialcamplo.com/


Punk Pick: Anti-Flag – American Spring

get it here: http://www.anti-flag.com/

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