What’s Crackin’: Berenstein VS Berenstain

This Week In Stuff

Hitchhiking Robot Gets Murdered

Last week Canadian researchers unleashed the Hitchbot, a hitchhiking robot on a mission to bum rides all the way across the United States. After making it across Canada last year, as well as adventures through The Netherlands and Germany, the creators expected close to the same results in the US, but boy were they wrong. Americans love one thing, and that is freedom, and if a robot isn’t doing your dishes or getting you off, it must be offensive. The bot made it a whole 300 miles to Philadelphia before it was killed in cold electric blood. The experiment came to an abrupt end when the friendly traveler was beaten, decapitated, and left in the mean streets of Philly to slowly short circuit to death. The folks behind the robot say his journey is not over, and he will be back on the road in no time. Like an artificial Kerouac, enjoying the human experience, which can sometimes get you straight up murdered.

Cops Ask Drug Dealers To Name Competition

In a bold move, one Kentucky sheriff thought up an ingenious way to put more drug dealers behind bars, a little friendly competition. By providing forms to fill out, the police are asking drug dealers to anonymously give up the names, numbers, address, and more of their biggest competitors. Only time will tell if this works, but I don’t see why somebody wouldn’t use this opportunity to get a foot up in the world of slanging that good good. The sad thing is this attempt will render itself only useful to putting small time dealers in prison, continuing the growth of the industrial prison complex and handing out more sentences to folks that don’t know better. Although if you’re selling drugs and aren’t sly enough to keep your personal information away from your competition, you’re probably not doing it right. If you really want to rat out the competition just put in the information for the head of the CIA, but then again who wants to lose their main supplier?

The Berenstein Berenstain Debate

I remember coming across this conspiracy a while ago and it blew my mind. I went on ranting about it to people but nobody seemed to understand what I meant. This insane theory just made the social media rounds again, but this time seemed to catch a little more fire, with more people realizing something strange is astir in the universe. You probably remember the Berenstein Bears right? The family of ursa that live in the woods and are just trying to get along. Well the only problem is that they are actually The Berenstain Bears. That’s right, spelled with an “A” and not an “E”. WTF? Most people (including me) seem to believe it was always spelled with an “E”, and for some reason this many years later it’s all of a sudden an “A”. Okay, so there are two possibilities here, 01: We were all idiot kids that could hardly read or 2: The ones of us remembering the “E” (which is like 99% of people) were skewed into a parallel universe where our timeline was altered in a subtle way. As you can see, the rabbit hole this can send one into is bothersome. I’m worried enough about the Nazis inside of the Moon, now I gotta worry about what else has changed?

Lenny Kravitz’ Wiener Pops Out

The infamous Janet Jackson nipple slip was just put to shame by the flappy ding dong display from Lenny Kravitz this week. At his Stockholm concert this weekend his skin tight leather pants decided to split right down the crotch and leave his angry cyclops exposed for the public to see. Of course there is a ton of pictures, so if you really need to know what the American Woman wants, a quick google search will set you on the right track. Well I did my research (it was just research I swear) and found his pocket piece to be quite average. Sorry ladies, but he’s just got a regular ol’ pickle. Now I’m no expert in long-range dic pics but it looks to me like there might be a little silver piercing down there? So maybe that’s cool if that’s your thing. Overall unexciting. I mean the dude is like 104 now right? Nobody wants to see that crusty old hot dog. Might be time to retire the leather pants grandpa.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 43: Neuroplasticity

There is a neuroscientist that pals around with the Dalai Lama and he is the founder of The Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin-Madison because Wisconsin is so full of healthy minds. In 1992 His Holiness asked this guy, Dr Richard Davidson, to see if he could learn what kindness and compassion does to to the brain and the doctor made it a main area of his research. Davidson wrangled 8 hardcore, long time Buddhist monks known specifically for their discipline and reputations of compassion and kindness. He put their shaved monk heads in an MRI machine to observe what occurred, if anything, when the monks began to meditate. Observed were high-amplitude gamma-oscillations, indicating plasticity which is a change in neural pathways- like limberness or adaptability- akin to “range of motion”but in your head. The doctor elaborated,

“The systems in the brain that support our well-being are intimately connected to different organ systems in our body, and also connected to the immune and endocrine systems in ways that matter for our health, compassion is a kind of state that involves the body in a major way”

Through more studies over the years it was learned that those that were given meditation and compassion seminars were more likely to respond altruistically in matters of selfishness and compassion. It was also determined that meditation increased the monks’ immune system response to, specifically, influenza vaccine-(they weren’t anti-vaxers, apparently). So far as “compassion and kindness” being beneficial to our physiology, there is no determined conclusion but definite proof that meditative practices increase plasticity and turn your brain into a samurai. It is important to note that all of the subjects were good guys, I do not believe that Evil Ninjas have been tested yet but that’s a control group that might help in the process.

My conclusion from this information is that these Buddhist Altruists are on to something with the compassion and the kindness. I’m not sure if the robes and haircuts are necessary to achieve this kind of sanctimonious internal harmony but what ever floats their boats. I do not know if this proves that reincarnation is a thing, either, but the one thing I support, in any religion, is kindness, compassion and charity. Do good things and be kind for the sake of your brain in whatever clothes and hair style you want. You don’t want to catch the flu, do you?

This Week In Music

Rock Pick: Chelsea Wolfe – Abyss

get it here: http://www.chelseawolfe.net

Instrumental Pick: Yuk. – A N A K

get it here: https://leavingrecords.bandcamp.com/album/yuk-a-n-a-k

HipHop Pick: Gangrene – You Disgust Me

get it here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gangrene-The-Alchemist-Oh-No/