What’s Crackin’: Beard Poop VS Taco Bell

This Week In Stuff

Your Beard Is Covered In Poop

Guess what you beardos, you’re full of shit. A recent study surfaced showing that beards collect enough fecal matter to put a construction site outhouse to shame. That’s right, your furry face friend is actually seething with poop particles. Okay, so maybe it’s not quite as dirty as this clean shaven baby face bro would want you to believe, but the study did show that beards are full of bacteria and microorganisms that could pose a health risk to its host if not cared for properly and often (not to mention the dirty ladies brave enough to journey through that dookie forest). The study suggests frequently washing your hands and not twirling/playing with the facial hair can help keep the critters within to a minimum. Next time that hipster making your coffee dares to even put a finger on that braggaddocious beard of his, you can throw that hot liquid back in his face, cause nobody needs that crap.

Nintendo Theme Park

Nerds! Now is the time to Hadouken out of joy! Get ready to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start your way to paradise. Universal has announced a partnership with Nintendo to collaborate in designing rides and attractions for a video game theme park. You thought playing Mario on shrooms was crazy, now imagine tripping IN the actual Mushroom Kingdom. My 10 year old self is absolutely freaking out right now. Swing on vines in the forests of Donkey Kong, chase down Ganondorf for the TriForce, use your Game Genie to skip lines, tell Bowser to suck it, or blast your friends with bananas on some actual Mario Go-Karts. The possibilities are endless (minus any Xbox, Sega, or PS properties). Forget Disneyland, this will undoubtedly be the new land of magic, plus you get to watch frustrated staffers blow on the consoles when rides don’t work. I’m about to creep the crap out of a Princess Peach. Is that a Duck Hunt gun or are you just happy to see me?

The Dubai Rocketeer

The future is nigh, or it’s here? or is winter coming? I’m getting my geek speak confused, but either way check this out! A man in Dubai has brought us one step closer to those jetpacks we were all promised in the 80’s. Check out the video below to see Yves Rossy, ex Swiss fighter pilot, take to the skies in his very own frickin’ jet pack! He soars above the skies of Dubai following the formations of a jet plane to show us the awesome future we are oh so close to having. I’m not a fan of motorcycles, or skydiving, but this is one extreme feat I would try in a heart beat, and then have my heart skip beats as I got a face full of bird upon take off. This is one Rocket Man that would make Elton John cry a single tear.

Man Kills Imaginary Friend

It’s common for a child to have an imaginary friend, but a full grown adult male? Not so much. Then what do you do when that imaginary friend starts to really get on your nerves? Kill him of course. This is what happened to Geoff Gaylord (I’m too shocked to even put a pun here) a man from Florida (where else?) that turned himself in after reportedly murdering his imaginary friend named “Mr. Happy”. According to Geoff things were going great with Happy and they had been BFF’s for over 7 years, but like any lunatic on copious amounts of drugs, things took a turn for the worse. Eventually Mr. Happy started leaving “his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen…he messed up my apartment to the point where I couldn’t clean it”. Geoff claims Happy started doing drugs, caused a car crash that Gaylord was “unfairly accused of”, and that’s when things got weird. Really? It wasn’t weird before when you were hanging out with an invisible person? I feel bad for the guy, because by the looks of his mugshot this was all too real to him, and he killed in cold schizophrenic imaginary blood. RIP Mr. Happy.

Taco Bell To Start Serving Alcohol?

If there’s one fast food chain that truly understands its market it is Taco Bell. They’re not trying to hide what they are. They know damn well they are the go to spot for shame eating and 3am drunken binge eaters. I mean they coined the term “Fourth Meal” with absolutely no shits given. They know their beef is closer to cat food than actual beef, and they just cover it in Nacho Cheese and keep on serving. So it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that they’re looking into serving beer. The first location to test this new method will be in Chicago, and hopefully the trend will spread to the rest of the chain. I mean come on, nobody eats Taco Bell while sober, so instead of relying on your designated driver to sit in a packed drive thru during the witching hour to see if you can eat one of everything, might as well get your drinking done at the same establishment. Alright Cariboo time to sign that distribution agreement before it’s too late!

Hipster Horoscope

Week 34: The Great Big Picture

The epic Arab tile mosaic is more than just some fancy jigsaw puzzle. The roots of this art form go back thousands of years. The aspect that makes this art different than other art forms is the fact that each and every angle, every curve and line is a representation of the overlapping order of the earth and the rest of the universe. Spheres and circles are the representations of planets courses through the heavens and our own circular motion.

The ancients saw symmetry in their form of defined “creation” and were able to conceive that everything is interconnected and wildly woven. To look at these patterns, so intricate and geometrically perfect, and to admire the flawlessness leads one to imagine the skill and focus required to administer so many tiny tiles so masterfully. If one was to fall out it might hardly be noticed but working together in all of their glory a perfect visual geometry lesson is presented. This requires devotion to the craft. This requires ninja patience To the designers of the patterns they are more or less prayers. Magic spells if you will.
When you get on task this week with whatever the boss has you doing, think about the poor sots that sat all day gluing tiles on domes beneath the scorching desert sun for eons. Imagine the fortitude required to meticulously decorate mud walls just to make a cosmic statement. To let the world know forever that even though you may be just one little square in a great big picture, your presence makes a difference. Hang in there, don’t fall off the wall make your craft a prayer.

“The purpose of art is washing the daily dust of life off our souls”- Pablo Picasso

– Mark Sims

This Week In New Music

Electronic Pick: True Deceiver

get it here: https://truedeceiver.bandcamp.com/

HipHop Pick: Murs – Have A Nice Life

get it here: https://www.strangemusicinc.net/presales/mr/have_a_nice_life/

Rock Pick: Faith No More – Sol Invictus

get it here: http://www.fnm.com/solinvictus.shtml

Triple B Podcast

Ep 5: Age of Ultron Edition