What’s Crackin’: Beer Bunnies & Zombie Cats

This Week In Stuff

Zombie Cat Returns From The Grave

George A Romero Presents: Night of The Living Kitties? After being ran over by a car, the owner was sure his fluff mcstuff named Bart was dead and gone to the Humane Society in the sky. He buried him and went about his business, enjoying a flea free home and telling the kids Bart was gone on a permanent secret mission. Much to his surprise the half-dead cat was found five days later meowing for food at a neighbors house whilst dragging along his mangled corpse and dangling eyeball in true Pet Sematary fashion. This fighter of a feline dug his way out of his own grave like it was nothing. What if the vet bill was too high so they just decided to put him down anyways? Take a lesson from this, because your life ain’t all that bad. I just wish I could see their faces when this thing came shuffling up looking like Nosferatu in a shaving accident. Meowch.

Beer Me Bunny!

Warning: After watching this video you’re going to kick your zombie cat out of the house. A man has trained his pet rabbit to deliver him tasty beverages on his custom built beer cart, giving a whole new meaning to a hoppy brew. The video went viral after being uploaded to Reddit, where the man admitted there is a treat on top of the cart that keeps the bunny pushing the beer his way. Don’t ruin the magic! Add in a joint rolling monkey, the chef rat from Ratatouille, and there is no longer a need for a significant other again.

Scientists Have Cured Peanut Allergy

Tired of being the annoying person that has to ask “does it contain nuts?” everywhere you go or else you will swell up like Violet Beauregard at The Chocolate Factory? Some Australian scientists may have just made things easier on you, but they still can’t fix your whiney ass attitude. By giving a peanut protein probiotic to a group of participants with fatal nut allergies, they weaned the staple snack into their systems. After 18 months of using the pill 80% of the patients were able to eat peanuts with no allergic reaction whatsoever. Hopefully this won’t hit the market for a while so I still have time to remove my father in law from the picture. *wink wink*. Now we just need to find a way to eliminate fad allergies, like gluten.

UFO Files Released Online

Just in time for the X-Files reboot! Nearly 130,000 pages of recently declassified Air Force files on UFO investigations have hit the internet for the public to research for their next big hoax video. Many UFO files have circulated the internet, but not nearly as many as the Project Blue Book database compiled by John Greenwald.The only downside to these files is that it only spans reports from 1947 to 1969. 130,000 reports in just 20 years? Mulder was right. Most skeptics want to blame the Air Force and government technologies for strange things in the sky, but when these unanswered reports come straight from that agency, what are we supposed to believe? Keep your eyes to the skies, and check out Project Blue Book.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 25: The Cosmic Games

In January 2015 Science and News reporters told us that an asteroid was crazily close to earth and it was titillating. It was true, an asteroid “the size of a mountain” zipped by at a mere 745,000 miles away, coming unusually close to our turquoise space jewel and we were left speeding along in its wake. 745,000 miles seems plenty far enough away to me but “I am not a scientist.” Had it hit us it I would be writing Hipster Obituaries instead of Hipster Horoscopes. Its nice to have a visitor. So long Mr. Asteroid and have a safe cosmic journey. What other worlds will you hail in passing?

Of course I had to take note of this universal tourist and as it went by as I wanted to see what it could teach me. What can we learn from this celestial event? I will now reveal to you the hidden obvious. As we look through our telescopes and plot the course and measure its speed, weigh it, tag it and bag it in the log books, its only a game. Our dominance in “observing” the big space rock as it goes where it goes gives us no power over it at all. We are powerless over whatever the galaxy decides to toss our way but we play as if we are in control. We’ve named the rock from nowhere 2004 BL86 and sent it on its way and the metal hurlant could give two shits if it had an ass. Maybe The Hand of the Almighty kept it from hitting us or maybe Jupiter’s gravity had something to do with it but whatever the reason, our slide rulers were just props. We were not, at any point, calling the shots.

But fear not, all of the efforts put forth by those who studied it were not in vain, my good brethren and sisterhood. Each calculation, speculation and conversation was for the benefit of science and as long as that seed grows, we are on the right path. Science is like a bunch of little grains of sand piled up to make a giant ant hill. Each grain is necessary for creating the structure. We want a concrete ant hill.

Stay connected, stay aware and know what the Hell is going on in your little side street back alley galaxy that you inhabit even though you are not in control. Each little experience that you have is another grain of sand in your sand castle because you are not an ant and have no use for an anthill. Your structure is your own personal fortress of knowledge and I’d guess you need all the granules you can get, life ain’t no joke. OR you can burn through like the mountain sized space racing 2004 BL86 and give no fucks. I would consider that a legitimate option.

This Week In New Music

Weirdo Pick: Bjork – Vulnicura

The Icelandic queen of crazy surprised the internet this week by randomly dropping her new album “Vulnicara” with little to no promotion, no videos, just a mysterious Instagram video playing a few seconds of horns from one of the tracks is all she needed to push her product. The album is an epic break up story, and may be some of her best recent material. Get it here: http://bjork.com/

Rap/HipHop Pick: B. Dolan – House Of Bees Vol. 3

The understudy of Sage Francis has truly found his own sound in the last few years. Starting out as a spoken word poet, this highly political rapper has etched out an unstoppable flow and hits us with more knowledge than an Encyclopedia Brittanica. This newest in his series of mixtapes “House of Bees” includes some heavy hitting production, and an array of topics, including the Devil Is Alive remix exposing the truth between Rick Ross the rapper, and the real Freeway Ricky Ross. Get it here: https://bdolan.bandcamp.com/

Metal Pick: Napalm Death – Apex Predator

Sometimes you just need something fast and angry to get you through your day, luckily Napalm Death is back with their millionth album since forming in 1981. With their blend of death metal and hardcore punk, the drums and screaming is enough to make any parent worry about you. Who says old guys can’t rock? Napalm disagrees. Get it here: http://www.napalmdeath.org/