What’s Crackin’: Glitter Bombs & Bigger Butts

This Week In Stuff

“Glitter Bomb” Goes Bust

Everybody has got a million dollar idea, but  if that idea took off, could you even handle it? That’s what happened to “Glitter Bomb Your Enemies“, an Australian company that launched its perfect revenge service that included them mailing an anonymous letter to anyone in the world full of treacherous glitter. Glitter, the sparkling twinkle of demon eyes that latch to anything and everything on and around you. It is easier to get rid of herpes than glitter, and everyone but you notices that it’s still all over your face. Only one day after the website launch, the owner shut it down and stated “Stop ordering, I’m tired of dealing with this stupid glitter!“, and so in the way of Flappy Bird another random sensation bursts at the seams and disappears. Luckily there is still RuinDays.com which isn’t a sissy and can handle your glimmering vengeful needs, including a spring-loaded glitter bomb, and glitter covered poop.

Do Bigger Butts Breed Smarter Children?

A new study out of the University of Pittsburgh claims that big booty may produce a bigger brain. We don’t want to call bullsh*t, but if that’s the case we can expect Nicki Minaj to rear the reincarnation of Einstein. The report says that the fat surplus found in these bootylicious butter-cakes is ultra-important in brain development, not to mention the fat needed to create a strong nervous system. Before Darla at the office scarfs down another piece of pie in celebration, we want to clarify that there is a huge difference between girls with an apple bottom, and those with an apple everything. Beyonce has a fat booty, but Honey Boo-Boo’s mom? Not so much. Now you can finally blame that obsession with jiggling her jello on your animalistic instinct to breed better babies. Weird. Who knew Sir Mix-A-Lot was a scientist?

Diet Weed; Lose Weight, Get High, Without Crack?

With the legalization of marijuana in some US states, not only does big tobacco, the liquor board, and the government want a piece of the pie, but so does “The Real Housewives” reality star Bethany Frankel. See what happens when we make somebody famous for no reason? They blow our buzz big time. The bored rich housewife followed up her TV stardom with “Skinnygirl” her diet company that creates weight loss alternatives to getting turnt up. Now she wants to create a strain of herb that won’t give you the munchies. The day I take a bong load without a pack of Oreo’s on tap, is the day the terrorists win. Her line of Skinnygirl Cocktails has been a success, but we can bet she’s been to Margaritaville more than enough. When it comes to the weed this lady knows nothing. An affiliate of hers stated “she was reading a lot about the Cannabis industry and how much money it makes, and she wants to be a part of that.” Please dear Lord Satan do not let this happen! Leave our reefer alone and stick to something you’re good at, like banging rich dudes and getting that leather face botoxed to oblivion.

The Marvel Universe Is Ending

Since 1961 the comic book giant Marvel has brought us countless issues of superheroes metaphorically struggling with puberty in a futuristic sci-fi universe, that is all about to end. Marvel has dominated the better part of the last two decades creating terrible movie adaptations to their series, and just when it looked hopeless, somehow they made an outstanding film with Guardians of The Galaxies (but we will never forget what you did to Daredevil, damn you!). Now looking to pull out all the stops, Marvel representatives have announced that the new eight issue series of “Secret Wars” will end with the destruction of every world in their ever expanding multi-verse. Spoiler alert? Are they trying to tell us that Stan Lee is going to die soon? It’s not a secret that comics have seen an incredible decrease in sales and value over the years, with avid collectors getting rid of thousands of books for a mere $500 store credit, so we can’t blame them for taking any possible route to make people interested again. Just remember, this is the company that now has rights to the Star Wars comic books, and if they’re willing to destroy their own creation, well then, say goodbye to Alderaan.

Teen Successfully Poses as OB/GYN At Hospital

The perfect crime? Perhaps. A teenager was arrested this week after posing as a Gynecologist in a Florida hospital for over a month. Although creepy we have to give it up for the kid. When you’re a teenage boy the vagina is a mysterious crypt containing the secret of time. Hell, just getting past the pants is a tough code to crack. So what better way to get to know this familiar stranger than just waltz into a hospital and start prodding at them? The actual doctors and security at this place thought the kid belonged, and when police made the arrest they found him in an exam room with a patient, wearing a doctors coat and stethoscope. The hospital has decided not to press charges on the teen, because as you know posing as a licensed medical physician and sticking tongue depressors in cooters is totally cool. He may as well have been Joker in a nurse outfit and nobody would have noticed. Sorry to cut this short, but I’ve got some colonoscopies to give.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 24: Paleolithic Positivity

A scientific study is conducted and peer reviewed by hundreds of other scientists in the field. If the methods acquiring the results are seen to be properly obtained (real science) it is filed away as a scientific study and used for more science. More studies will be conducted on the same material and sometimes thousands of studies. This needs to be verified because studies are posted all over the internet and misinterpreted as closed case facts. Just be careful and know that for every “study” there is a “counter study.”

A study that I believe to hold bearing was conducted and published in Personality and Social Psychology Review recently and it makes me feel optimistic. Subjects were isolated so that no emotional stimulation was present and it was recorded that people have a generally positive outlook in these situations. Further explained, outside emotional influence was eliminated and only inner turmoil and inner demons were left for the subjects and guess what, they were cool. The findings show that we are naturally positive and this evidence may be an explanation for our progress. We never give up, even in the darkest circumstances. I leave you with a quote from the study and the realization that a downer mood is counter evolutionary. You old fuddy duddy.

“Positive moods increase the likelihood of the types of adaptive behaviors that likely characterized our Paleolithic ancestors, such as creativity, planning, mating, and sociality. Because of the ubiquity and apparent advantages of positive moods, it is a REASONABLE HYPOTHESIS that humans were selected for positivity offset in our evolutionary past. We outline ADDITIONAL EVIDENCE that is needed to help confirm that positive mood offset is an evolutionary adaptation in humans and we EXPLORE the research questions that the hypothesis generates.”
**Please note the use of the words “reasonable hypothesis”, “additional evidence” and importantly “explore” because that is a properly worded study and be fully aware that Tammy’s post that starts with “Study Shows…..” is not Newton’s Law.

This Week In Music

Rock Pick: Marilyn Manson – The Pale Emperor

The shock-rock rumored rib remover himself is back with a new album “The Pale Emperor”, full of his signature growls, and Reznor-esque production. When you feel like you just don’t belong in this world, there’s always Mr. Manson here to make you feel at home. I like to picture him in sweatpants and a big shirt watching TMZ with a Yorkshire Terrier on his lap, but that’s just me. Get the record here: http://www.marilynmanson.com/

Rap/HipHop Pick: Joey Badass – B4DA$$

With maybe the most creative name in hip hop, young Joey Badass has released his debut full length album at the age of 20. Making noise with mixtapes and tours, Joey built up a giant fanbase, and has graced us with this release full of classic grimy beats, and a flow that sounds like all the members of Onyx had a rap baby. Get it here: http://theproera.com/

Alt Pick: Sleater Kinney – No Cities To Love

Before she teamed up with Fred Armisen to turn Portland into one big sketch comedy, Carrie Brownstein was leader of the band Sleater-Kinney. An all girls rock group that actually saw some success and kicked ass. With her new found fame she is actually able to afford to make music again, and has resurrected the girl punk dream of the 90’s. Get the album here: http://www.sleater-kinney.com/