Striker’s Tales: Hicks With Sticks!!!
HOW TO GET TO ATTACK OF DANGER BAY
HERE’S KING BRIAN’S DANGER BAY LIST!!! WISE WORDS FROM THE KING!!!!
Live like a King at Danger Bay; here’s a small list of what you might want to make your life better at a longboard race. Bring a Flashlight, not one, but two… at least two. Bring a Swiss Army knife with can opener. Bring a large knife for cutting firewood and digging trenches. Bring lots of tarps and at least a couple thousand feet of rope to string them up. Bring a sheepskin to sleep on. You might think your doing a good thing by bringing a giant air mattress to sleep on, that’s a good start but you need insulation between you and the air mattress. The air inside it is as cold as the ground so that’s where the sheepskin comes in if you don’t’ have a sheepskin you can use a thermarest, or you can ask to borrow an extra one from me.
Bring a hockey stick and an extra one for a friend that forgot. Bring gumboots it just might rain a lot. Bring a tent with working zippers. Its good to set it up before you go just to check it out and make sure it’s not moldy from being put away wet from that last race. Bring food; this is important I don’t skimp on this. Precook some chili, spaghetti sauce and freeze it in yogurt containers. If you don’t have much money raid you parents freezer I still do that every year just to have more food than I need toiler paper don’t trust the outhouses.
Bring non-alcoholic beer, who wants to waste the best weekend of the year being hung over. You don’t need to bring a chainsaw but I’m going to bring mine to clear the trails on Friday morning. So if you need a chainsaw just ask me for one. Bring a camp stove… for stoving
Post some more Attack of Danger Bay campsite hacks and I’ll think of more too, keep it constructive
~ KING BRIAN
A few more things I would like to add would be ABSOLUTELY NO GLASS THIS YEAR AT THE CAMP!! PLEASE! Too much busted glass!! Also, leave two beers outside your tent after your calling it a night. Bring extra shoes, I’m telling ya. Bring cash money to staple to Neil e Dee‘s head at his Danger Show Saturday night.
We have toonie showers a two minute skate from the camp at the pool! Both Friday and Saturday nights, 6-9pm! Give Irene the gatekeeper a huge hug when you pay for camp, she needs it!!! Please feed me something randomly I’m always hungry and no time to stop and eat. Bring condoms and lots please.
The Grasshopper burnt down so buy cold Cariboo at liquor store prices in garden bay at John Henrey’s. No drinking and driving!!! Cops are nuts! Bring an old school Sapporo can for longboarding hockey.
While you’re in Garden Bay make sure to stop by Lavern’s Grill. Want to see her snap? The more of you that randomly packs the place the faster she will slam her doors and lock you out she gets totally crazy sometimes its great!!!
The Grasshopper burnt down so again make your way back into Garden Bay to hit up the best locals bar in Pender, the only one, THE GARDEN BAY PUB!! Always-deadly food!!! Stiff drinks!! Ask for Joyce she’s the best!
And finally we made some new adult Danger Bay zipper hoodies that I’m really excited about so make sure you get one if it’s your cup of tea!! These ones are special ones. Right now I’m looking for some drivers with experience to drive one of the fully loaded 33foot U-Hauls with Troy Yardwatse and me this Wednesday!!! Can you believe it! Danger Bay is here!! All the hay volunteers and drivers will meet at the Stoop Skatehouse Wednesday morning at 8AM where we will head out and grab the U-Hauls and head to load the hay!! So IF YOU’RE READING THIS AND YOU CAN DRIVE!!! MEET 8AM STOOP SKATEHOUSE WEDNESDAY MAY 14TH!! All volunteers this day will get a ride to the Sunshine Coast to get first dibs on a campsite!
Some lame news Loose Tooth won’t be playing this years Danger Bay because of flake tooth bass player Shit Show Shadow and this time we’re not going to use one of his five bass player replacements so count us out. It’s lame but whatever.
If I’m lucky enough and it all works out we’re going to see the return of Danger Bay band Not Quite Sober!
They played from the first Danger Bay when we camped and raged in the hall in Egmont till around Danger Bay seven I’m guessing. Not Quite Sobers a huge hit with the Pender Harbor locals and it could be a real treat to have them back. Cross your fingers!
The good news about the F-Bomb is that it’s fixed, we finally found the problem of why it would randomly not start on our last two trips of last years tours. It ended up costing me around two grand when it was all said and done but it’s running stronger than ever!
The problem was the rotor in the distributor!! So they fixed that sucker and a few other minor things that all added up but we’re all-good. It got to the point where I would stress out shutting the Bomb off. It was to the point where I was stressed turning the Bomb on so as soon as I picked it up and last week I drove it to the first red light and shut the engine off and waited for the green light and cranked it and she started no problem!!! Yes!
Loaded up the F-Bomb and grabbed my buddy Tyson the lead guitarist of Not Quite Sober that I flew in to have a jam with the boys to get ready for Danger Bay!! We drove to Squamish and that’s where we met Tyler the lead singer and James the drummer. I joined the band for this practice and played bass.
This marked my first time jamming with another group of guys that wasn’t Loose Tooth. What a wicked time! We were playing so fast I was in heaven. These guys grew up with the same favorite punk bands as I did, playing punk rock with a new group of guys is so cool and I couldn’t believe how pro they practiced. The guys were so encouraging and nice to each other unlike the Loose Tooth hahahaha. I have never played bass in a band let alone with buddies from high school playing in one of my favorite bands!! A dream come true for sure. Bass rules!
NQS bass player Mark is on tour as a master chef so if NQS was to play they needed a bass player so I jumped in! If I had to pick ten of the best punk bands of all time I would without a doubt say Not Quite Sobers Yarhooie is in that top ten!
Looks like the stoop is starting up a news-broadcasting channel live on location. I hope to see more of this in the near future! This year for Danger Bay I decided to make some adult Coast Zipper Hoodies!! Not too sure the parents will like it but who likes going to the Husky Gas Station where they sell porno mags. My point being I had to make a hoodie for the people this time. To me it represents the skate culture and in a lot of ways Danger Bay.
The pot leaf represents everyone that has been injured on the weekend, then you have the Jason mask. That ties into the thirteenth year but also the skate hockey tournament. Then you have the hockey sticks and they of course go with the skate hockey tournament and the hicks with sticks beating. This year marks ten years since we all got a good beat down but fought to defend ourselves while doing it.
The Hicks with Sticks made National news and made TV, newspapers and radio all across Canada. Late one night around three thirty in the morning only a few were awake in the camp and some coke head, juiced up, roid monkeys were at the end of the road at one of our old camps. As cars left they threw rocks and hit the cars while screaming at them.
Then they drove in about twelve of them in a truck and punched out a few longboarders on the way in they got to the gate and someone ran up to me and warned me and my dad and a few others that were sitting quietly around the camp that some guys from Gibson’s have shown up and they stopped them at the gate and to hurry over shit was going down. We headed over and at this time Team Green was in grade seven but still awake. Most the Pender boys were there, this was Danger Bay 3 and they were all getting into racing. But the guys all jumped out of the van and called us all pussies. That happened for only so long and then I heard a very loud maybe the loudest smack I have ever heard and I looked over and it was one of the hicks absolutely punching out one of the racers. Did I mention everyone was sleeping? It was on. I have never heard the sound of so many fists hitting so many faces in my life. It sounded like real life popcorn. Pop, pop, pop, pop, crowds of people all fighting and most were kids. Then I looked over and seen one of the hicks reach into the back of his truck and start chucking out hockey sticks and distributing them out as fast as he could arming the hicks. They were outnumbered but they were all huge and jacked right up. I remember the last hockey stick being pulled out the back of the truck and then a rock flew past the guys head and smashed the back of the window. The hick stood there with both hands on the stick like he was just standing on the ice.
I failed to mention that before this all broke out I grabbed a cell phone and dialed 911 knowing that shit was going to hit the fan. While I did this I scrambled and ran through the camp trying to wake up campers rustling their tents and banging on their cars, But with no luck.
With the hicks and the longboarders beating the shit out of each other there was a lot of standing around. I was totally shocked. I was in another world watching this all unfold in front of my eyes. As I dreamed a fist skimmed my nose and my dad the old hockey player enforcer knocked out one of the hicks beside me. I remember him just cocking his fist and punching these guys with all his might but they just kept getting up. They screamed louder than I have ever heard anyone scream in my life. We’re going to kill you were their words and the way they swung those hockey sticks taking out people with full on head shots. Defense was dropping in numbers and fast. “What’s wrong with you!” Girls were screaming.
I started yelling the names of towns of where riders were from. I turned around and yelled for Kimberly, Calgary, Colorado, Vancouver whoever was there sleeping. Most heard me yelling but thought that the party was a good one but there were a few that came out of the woods at the right time to be beaten up after a little help.
Someone shook me and yelled in my ear that my dad was getting beat with a hockey stick. I snapped out of it and ran over and took a shot in the face I looked at the guy and asked why they were doing this. More terrifying screams, and crying the sounds of the popcorn punching bags were still loud as ever.
I grabbed the one hick by the neck and put him in a headlock and squeezed as hard as I could then I took him to the ground like a WWE wrestler giving a guy a sleeper hold. I sat down with him between my legs like we were a bobsled team but I was choking him out then I heard a yell Strike!!! And the young Pender boys ran over and tackled us. Three of them rolled over the hick and me and I lost my grip of the attacker. We were both laid out on the ground but his back was propped up against a dirt hill so he was kind of sitting up. I remember the boys laying the boots to this guy and I got up and toe punted him good in the face releasing some anger by now. I got three good punts in, then Team Green’s Sandman – before there was Team Green – took off his punk rock spikes and wrapped them around his knuckles and punch stabbed the hick in the face as fast and as hard as he could. I’ll never forget the guy squealing like a pig. This was all in the name of defense.
There was a little break in the chaos and it looked like everyone was taken a good breather most of our crew was still sleeping or ran away. I’ll never forget the older guys that we really could have used that night just stood there and let it all happen. We had the numbers but this was really a scary situation. This was like a real horror story. The Attack of Danger Bay was living up to its name in a disgustingly frightful way. I looked over and Tony Bagg of Donuts is bleeding from the face like he was sweating blood. Yelling back and forth went on for a minute then the fight began again. I remember Big Bad Brad getting chased in the bushes by a guy with a hockey stick then I saw Brad chasing him out of the bush with a big ass machete chopping the hick in the back. The hicks were now working as a team they were running to a group of people beat them all down till they were totally done then they would run over to the next few people gang up on them and beat them to a pulp.
The ground was full of blood and mud and by this time there were only five of us left and twelve of them everyone scattered while they caught one of us and attacked Bagg of Donuts, our best warrior or the bloodiest anyways, grabbed me and pulled me in the direction of the car. He ran and slid under the car hiding, I crouched down behind the car and realized that there was no way I was going to fit under there. At this point the hicks had their sticks in the air and I was pretty much all alone and beside the sounds of them chasing down another straggler beating them down I was the last one trying to hide.
They beat the last guy and started yelling at us to come out and telling us they were going to kill us some more there was no way to win now I jumped up and ran to the bush and started tripping and falling all over the place like some dumb camper in a Friday the 13th film but I picked myself up and this native longboarder street punk was crashing through the bush with a hatchet heading back in the zone. I grabbed him and shook him and said don’t do it they’ll kill you and we got away.
As we hid, the hicks paraded around the camp with sticks in the air cheering that they won. They still would find the odd racer trying to hide, beat him down and continue around the camp till they jumped in their truck and took off.
Word has it that the hicks came to the camp because some girls were at the camp from Gibson’s so they came up to kick some ass. That was never confirmed but that was one story. Another story was the hicks got stopped by the cops on the way out by Jake’s Rash with the girls in the truck and the cop saw the sticks in the back with a group of guys bleeding but let them go because the cop that stopped them was the father of one of the girls in the truck. This killed us when we went to court.
Back at the camp the cops and the ambulance showed up. It was like four in the morning, four thirty by now and bodies were getting piled into the ambulances alive on stretchers. The hicks beat girls, dogs and whatever else they could swing and hit. I’ll never forget the lights from the ambulances and the cop cars lighting up the camp as we told our story.
Got about one hour sleep before we all had to wake up to race Attack of Danger Bay 3. I still had a race to pull off and while I was doing that bodies filled the hospital beds from the breakfast beating we just had.
I never washed my face I had a small black eye some dried up blood crusting out of my ear and a bit of blood on my face but I was good to go. Lee Dansie, Jimmy Flindt were up for this race Rob McKendry was there Danny Conner was there. They were some of our guests of honor and for the record I think this was Hayato Tanaka’s first Danger Bay!!!
That year in the finals Danny Conner was looking like he was going to win he was coming around carnage corner on the outside and the Schnitzel was right in there on the inside. Schnitzel broke out his wheels a bit gave and gave Danny’s board a good old how she going and Danny’s best chance and only chance to win Danger Bay was over Schnitzel, the Danger Bay champion for the 2nd time in two years only losing to Chris Chaput at Danger Bay 2!
But back to the new Danger Bay adult zipper hoodies designed by mutant Mike Nielsen the machete represents our only defense that night besides rocks and fists. The longboard on the back or the race board represents why we were there!
Attack of Danger Bay 13 is this week!!! Now you know why we got security!! Give Irene a huge huge! She’s the gate keep and has been ever since that night with her bodyguards! Nothing like that has ever happened again. To be honest I’ve never seen or experienced anything like that ever again.
Tuesday I went back to work at the post office and the news like I told you before spread nation wide. This was the first big news about longboarding in Canada. This was the first thing. This was the introduction to the general public about us longboarders. I remember sitting in a restaurant eating my breakfast on my break from work hearing the News 1130 report on the story and then as I swallowed they quoted event organizer Bricin Lyons. It was nuts!
Months went by and the investigation was in full swing out of the twelve, four or five were caught. I had to go to the cop shop and sit in a room and try to look at pictures of the attackers and pick out the ones that beat us down. It was dark that night and I couldn’t 100% pick out any of the attackers. This was a really bad sign in a high profile court case.
Months went by and lawyers for both parties joined in a court room and the newspapers reported on the what they coined the Hicks with Sticks trial. It was back in the newspapers again. They flew Scotty R.I.P. and schnitzel from Kimberly with one or two others. Along with me, Bagg of Donuts and a few others for the high profile court case. The courtroom was filled with Irene and pissed off locals.
I remember being on the stand listening to my voice the night of the attack being played back to me of a recording that the 911 call I made that was recorded. As the tape played the cocky hicks sat there with their defense lawyer laughing and smirking. I’ll never forget that.
After a full day of court we skated back to the motel, it was only one minute away and all downhill. The cash we got for our spending allowance went towards beers and a party of course. The government put us up in the same hotel as the Kimberly boys! It was time to giver! We joked about holding a race at Jake’s Rash for the government’s cash but never did it.
That night me and Bag of Donuts knocked out Schnitzel’s screen on his window and opened his locked door and snuck into his room. He was passed out. I was twenty-three at the time so we were still wild and crazy. When I say he was passed out I mean it. The Schnitzel was all cozy in his bed I took all the ice-cold beer from his cooler and only ice and water was left in his monster of a cooler.
Bags ripped off the bed sheets and I remember schnitzel all curled up with long greasy hair naked with only his holy moldy boxers. He kinda looked like a baby and I picked up the cooler with two hands and heaved it up to my chest and dumped the whole ice and water filled cooler onto his little defenseless body. We never laughed so hard in our lives he stood up and fell down rolling off his bed shocked, drunk and totally confused.
Then it was Scotty’s turn next and this time Schnitzel was in on it with us. Same thing knocked out his screen in the window and opened the door but this time dragged a garden hose in the room turned on but kinked. When we let him have it Scotty bounced up and fell off his bed smashing into the end table crashing to the floor and I continued to spray him down all up and down his almost naked little body keep the pressure on like he was on fire. He screamed and yelled and we ran. Scotty stormed out with his hat on his head with the curve in his hat so curved you could call him a redneck. He ran up the stairs in the motel yelling at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night. He was speed walking from one end of the motel to the other on the top floor so soaked, so angry and drunk.
After he was done yelling and calmed down he tried to open his door and we were all laughing to the point of hernias. He couldn’t get in. he was locked out he started banging on the door but now we were crying, Scotty was trying get in some other room that wasn’t his. The door was locked so naturally he went to the window to try to open that and ends up smashing the window and crawls through the window and goes to bed. Hahahaahahaha… the parking lot was full of piss the place was turned upside down and we had to get up for court the next day.
Bagg of Donuts had to hit the stand at nine am sharp. I heard voices and I peeled my eyes open slightly and noticed the cops looking in our room with the motel manager and without them noticing I looked at Bagg of Donuts and his bed was closer to the window and he was lying in bed snoring absolutely buck naked on top of his blankets. I even think he had all his fingers back then too.
Cops left and I woke bags up and he was late he flew out the door still drunk opened the glass doors to the court house and heard his name being called to the stand. The next night we all got kicked out of the motel and they split us all up in different motels.
Reporters snapped pictures outside the courtroom for the newspapers and in the end we lost the case, I think one of the hicks got a few months but they got away with it in the end. When you workout at the same gym as the cops and you the runners for a bigger picture you can get away with almost anything I guess.
Hicks with Sticks, the crushed beer cans on this years hoodie sleeves, well that’s from all the years of the blood sweat and tears.
Attack of Danger Bay 13 consecutive defending champion is K-Rimes. He’s entered a world of his own already K-Rimes has won three Danger Bays and threatens to win his fourth championship and if he does that’s three in a row!
EVERYONE COME BACK FOR THIS YEAR!! ITS GOING TO BE LUCKY 13!!!!
Follow Coast Longboarding on Instagram this summer it’s going to be a wild one!
Oh, one more thing before I go to bed after spending another all nighter to write this tale for you all. I am very proud of the Striker’s Angels dodgeball team!! Since you last heard from them they have taken a few balls to the chin, moved up a tier, made it to the playoffs and went undefeated, winning it all!!! I better throw a party for them eh!!! Congratulations, great work team! I’ll buy some boo and Cariboo will chuck in some shwag!!! You rule!!