Striker’s Tales: Heaven Or Hell Part 1

REST

I’ve had one day to be sick, rest, and hang out with the family, and now I find myself writing a two part Striker’s Tales of this last wild and crazy trip!! This is the last big trip of the year. Hey, Greyhounds aren’t so bad, eh? They got WiFi and power to keep my laptop charged!! I guess that’s all we need now in life, eh? Keep that laptop or phone’s heart charged so we can live in this digital world.

NUMBER 1I must say I have learned something again this trip and it’s a good thing I’m still learning after three years of this RV life! This lesson is: don’t buy tires for fifty bucks unless you really need to. Always buy the best brand new tires from the USA every chance you get!!

We headed out last Thursday night from Landyachtz HQ with an amazing crew!! Things were great ’til BLAM!!! Pow!!! Good thing I don’t speed because we blew a front left tire almost in the same spot on the Coquihalla as we did the very first F-bomb trip three years ago. Thank god this time it wasn’t backing up on a blind corner of the highway through the rain and fog.

This crew was another international crew with a mix of locals on the bus! We had two Brazilians, one Puerto Rican, a sweaty from Texas, a rasta from Florida, plus some dangerous ones from Surrey and Abby!! I got one of the oldest Coast Longboarders on the bus for a trip finally!!! Ernesto dos Santos and Loose Tooth bass player Good Shit Shadow!!

the saint

While broken down waiting for our BCAA rescue plan we chilled at a rest stop surrounded by mountains with a little hill to hike and bomb and a tunnel under the highway to chill in.

tunnel

CLOSET


We were packed to the nines. I had Cariboo beers spilling out of every cupboard possible. I had to clean out under my bed to make room for it all. But for a seven day trip that can turn quickly into a eight or nine day trip, I like to be prepared for the worst!!




THE TRUCK


The truck showed up to save us and it was the same driver that saved us three years ago. I guess if we carried a jack in the bomb we could have changed the tire ourselves but why not use a call? I get six a year, eh?!




Morale was high and we were back on the road for a dance party like it was 1999 and the clothes were already starting to come off! I found out a lot about the crew for this trip, mostly about their sexuality, but we will get into that later I guess…

ass

Instead of heading back on the road and pushing to north to Kamloops I thought that we should wait here at the rest stop. If we hit the road now we would have been hitting the road without a spare tire and if that blew we would be in huge trouble!! The tires on the bomb are hard to find and you can’t just go buy one…

I convinced the crew to wait it out and we called up the X-rated racer Bean for help. Of course he was wired and in the middle of having sex but he always picks up the phone for me, thank god!!

GOD

I told him that we were crashing overnight on the Coquihalla and we needed him to get to Cariboo Brewing first thing in the morning to grab us a spare tire. I was on my last one so we needed to have a backup on the long journey ahead. After a little convincing Bean was going to pick up the tire from Boo HQ and drive it almost three hours to us!! So all we could do was dance and joke about not even getting out of the Lower Mainland yet. Waiting proved to be a smart move on all our parts!!

slept

We woke up and it was hot. On the map it looked like we were close to the lake so we found a not so nice spot to take aqua dumps and cool off. Ben and Good Show Shadow were the only ones that would brave this task.

not so nicedirt wood

MAKE SURENothing better a bunch of pollution from the upper highways: chunks of crap building wood and some tire rims were some of the goodies they got to swim with. When Shadow got out of the water he asked the boss to check him out and make sure he was all clean before he got dressed!

We cleaned up and decided to push north to the next rest stop where I knew we could get some food and make a little money slanging stickers. This is where we met some Revelstoke locals that told us about some natural hot springs we should hit while we were in the area around Nakusp, about 200 km north of Nelson, BC. Good Show Shadow loved the idea!

shit showOOOOOO

The crew patiently waited for Bean to arrive with our spare tire to our rescue!! It was over a twelve hour wait and still I hardly heard a complaint from this all-star crew!!

WAITED

Finally Bean showed up and after taking the day off work to help us he arrived with our new spare tire. For the record, Bean came on the last trip and he told me that he would do anything for me so I kept him to his word and made sure he remembered to honour his promise! Just goes to show you what a good guy he is!!

YES

Not only did we get our back up plan spare tire, the crew got a surprise strip show to relieve some of their stress!! Everyone left happy as we hit the road!!

strip

number 2It was a very hot day and the bomb was running hot and as we rolled through Meritt. I thought I’d take the chance to get to Kamloops before I get this spare tire on the rim so we’d be ready for our next blow. We got half way to Kamloops after passing Meritt and the unthinkable happened: Boom!!! We blew another tire on the driver side and again I wasn’t speeding so I rolled us to the side of the highway to safety. Now we were really screwed though!! Troy Yardwaste was flipping out, screaming like we were all dead.

I couldn’t figure out why were blowing tires like this. We weren’t over loaded and why this same side. Without even thinking twice the only option was to hitchhike to Kamloops in the scolding heat of this BC desert and bring the blown tire and rim along plus pack our spare tire with us to make the change over. While I was getting the tire Shadow stuck his thumb out and the first trucker pulled over for us!! We weren’t even ready yet!! That’s how fast we got picked up!!

truckersee ya

We loaded up the cab of the trucker’s truck and said goodbye to the crew as we left on our own journey while they sat back and tripped out in the scolding heat. They were waiting again!!

The nice truck driver drove us straight to fountain tire where we are kinda locals now. We swapped the tires, put our last spare on the rim, and called BCAA!! While we were waiting we found out that the shop had two brand new tires that we could really use so I told them we would take them!! Five hundred bucks later and pissing off the guy they ordered those specific tires for, we now had two more tires and another spare!! Good thing we skipped Meritt and blew another tire or else later on we might have been doomed!!

coolers
We jumped in with the BCAA guy and three hours later we were back at the RV with great news. They had three yellow Cariboo coolers packed with beer lining the highway kinda like caution cones plus the big orange human-sized Cariboo Honey Lager costume draped over a Cariboo camping chair!!
Boo for the win!!




When the BCAA guy took off we had a look at our second blown tire of the trip and it was mangled!! What the hell was the reason for these blown tires?! Again, this one blew out at the top of the tire. We checked the wheel well and I noticed that the mud flap was half ripped off and so I asked Ben to rip it off for me because he’s a strong and limber young man. But as he was ripping away at the flap he noticed that the tire was rubbing up against the mud flap with no room to move and behind the mud flap was a piece of metal that was pushing up against it from where the old generator used to sit… the bags in the compartment pushed this metal against the tire and that’s why we were blowing tires!!

blow me

My stress wasn’t at a level of anything to be alarmed about until an undercover cop rolled up but he had on a different badge than I’ve ever seen before. He was a dot safety inspector and his job is to take dangerous vehicles off the road. He was a mean looking grumpy Clint and was all about business. I said hi to him, not really knowing he deal and right away I told him about the two blown tires in just 100km. That was a mistake. He said that worried him and he looked at my back tires and said it looked like I was overweight.

COPI assured him we weren’t and took off, hiding half the crew and telling them to shut up. Troy continued to chat with him about what we had in the bomb: skateboards, leathers, etc. while I moved over to the BCAA guy seeing how he was doing and asked him if this guy was going to impound us. If this guy impounded us our trip was over instantly and the Bomb would need an inspection where they would go through every inch of the RV, nitpicking everything they could, costing me thousands of dollars in impound, towing, and other fees to get it back on the road in a couple weeks.

While the BCAA guy still struggled with the tire I walked around with the inspector. He asked me why I didn’t stop in Merritt to fix my tire and I regrettably told him I took the chance and thought I would make it to Kamloops because that’s where we had a hotel room and were staying.

TROUBLEThen he noticed a chunk of tire flapping on my back tire. It’s something that I got looked over by a professional tire shop and they said it was fine but that was one strike against us. Three strikes and we’d be done!! He kicked the tire and brought it up to me I showed him the brand new five hundred dollar tires I just bought and told him I was going to replace this tire as soon as we arrived in Kamloops. He told me he didn’t think the F-bomb would make it the 37 kms to Kamloops I argued it would. I was fully confident in my RV! I take it out every week and I’ve dropped ten thousand dollars into her this year to keep on top of this stuff.

We walked around and he checked my windshield and I was quick to point out I just got the window resealed and reinstalled this year… if the gator tape was still holding it in place we would have been doomed!! Another case of good thinking on my part!! Then he looked at my air bag suspension and I told him they were brand new, just put them in. Then he brought up that I was missing some of my side running lights… I told him that I knew this and I would replace them right away. This was a strike two! He just needed to find one more thing!!

INSPECTORThe BCAA guy was finished and made me come over and sign some papers. This was a tense time for me. I was about to explode with stress! I’m normally great but everything was on the line, this wasn’t just a flat tire anymore. I signed the papers and was all squared up but still no word form the inspector. I had to confront him and I knew it. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I went over and asked him if we were good then and when he said yes I put out my hand and gave him a firm shake and jumped in the RV, started it as fast as I could have and drove towards Kamloops with him following me. It wasn’t till he passed us I almost puked!

time

This one rattled me big time! We got to the tire shop in Kamloops and it was closed. I begged them to put on our spare tire onto the rim and we got the hell out of dodge!! We were really behind schedule by now!! It was now Friday night and the Gumball Classic was the next day in Calgary at 11am. That meant I needed to drive all night without any stretch breaks to make it on time and only get two hours sleep on the hill!! So I did it and we made it to Calgary with perfect timing!!! I couldn’t have done it without Mikie Bridge, The Saint, and the rest of the rowdies.

We woke up!! Everyone that was still sleeping was spilling out from the two beds, the floor was jammed with bodies. It was another day. People were banging on the bomb and saying hi, making it easier to wake up!! We were parked under a tree at the top of the hill and Benny hauled out some Coast gear to slang for me. Then we parked near the bottom and it was showtime!!

showtime

We pulled out my generator for the pa and speakers!! We blasted some tunes halfway down the hill, just up from one of Calgary’s biggest radio stations who had the same thing at the last launch ramp and finish line. There was really good energy all around!!

bubbleIt was good to see Royal Ryan and the rest of the Calgary locals!! Lots of kids were stoked, this was a really fun event right from the start. The kids were killing the hill and their bodies. The hill was rough with some blacktop patches–a true Canadian thrashing kind of slope. Wooden ramp wall rides, launch ramps, and even mommas rollers!! Bomb bags protected all this gear!!! These things were sick!!! Big blue clouds to crash in!

bagsstyle

It was fall in Calgary and there were more than just yellow and red leaves all over the ground… there were teeth, meat, and bone too!! Nothing too serious, but still lots of spankings! I love that kind of stuff!!

There even was a Calgary cop on had with a pocket full of tickets issuing out handfuls of tickets to riders rippin’ and crashing, young slayers, just about anything!! Each ticket was worth at least five bucks when you cashed them in at the end of the day!!! I loved this twist to the event!! The officer had a great time!

fine

It was a huge turnout for a first annual event and a very positive environment!! I was getting my exercise for sure! Following the cop, being a rat with a huge megaphone and trying to get the kids to crash, cracking jokes and keeping the course workers and volunteers happy!!

family

diabetes
Then out of nowhere Colonel Diabetes offers me a little Satan in a cone and, not having brushed my teeth yet, this was just what I needed for breakfast!! One more of these things and I’ll be getting my leg cut off or lose my eyesight!! It was good!

Check out this short video on the day… I can’t wait ’til next year!!!


GUMBALL CLASSIC VIDEO

In the end local F-bomber Troy ‘The Boss’ Yardwaste brought home the girl, the cash, and the Coast gold!! Oh ya, and Bernice the mentally retarded burn victim sploog stuffed panda!! What a sweetheart!! I’m getting one when I get home, guaranteed!! Yeah Troy!!

podiumWINNER

Hey now, when I meant Troy got the girl, he really did!! The F-bomb made a match this trip. The match was two Sector 9 teammates. This was truly a love-bomb trip for them!! If we dragged in a black light I’m sure you would see goodies dripping from the window shades. No, I’d have to say it was really cool to see these two fall in love if that’s what just f$#@in happened!! I wish them the best!! For the record I think this is going to last a while and wouldn’t be surprised if Troy knocked her up and they raised a sweet young family of 16!!! All bombers and park rats!!! I say tie the knot!!!

true love

The f-bomb crew loaded up, and with two blown tires, what else could possibly go wrong but some how go so right!?! The trip was only just days in and the adventure was only beginning!! Check back for next week’s Striker’s Tales to find out what happened next!! Fantasy jerk off island, the Yardwastes saved a life!! And who took it in their ass from their girlfriends!! You’ll be shocked to hear next week!! Yikes!!

sexy

Don’t forget to enter for your chance to win a complete Cariboo Beer Pong Table & Beer Pong Set (Varsity Stickers, Patches & Pennants are included)!!

TABLE



Here’s the link, so click! It only takes 3 seconds to enter so just do it!! It’s free to enter and I’ve seen people I know win before!! Do it!! If you win, send me a picture please!! Or throw a huge beer pong party Cariboo style!!




Huge Thanks to the 2013 Cribb-bomb sponsors!! We really needed ya boy!!
Cariboo Brewing
Rayne Longboards
Bear Trucks
Flatspot Longboards
Royal Boardshop
Switchback Longboards
Longboard For Peace
Divine Wheels

ROCKY MOUNTAIN TOUR PART DUH NEXT WEEK!! RATED R!! THIS IS NOT A FAMILY BLOG!!

CARIBOO RULES!! I WANNA TRY THE NEW SCANDAL PUMPKIN ALE!! ‘TIL THEN!!

STRIKE OUT!!

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