Cariboo Brewing

Striker’s Tales: A Coast Longboarding Christmas

• Dec
  15th

The Cops pull over an Elf and ask, “Who is in charge here?” Elf Sandman looked at the Cop like he was an idiot and said “…Santa!?!”

Let’s make this short and sweet. So I flew back to Vancouver for the 1st annual Coast Longboarding Christmas and for the big doctors appointment. When I got off the plane Thursday night, I headed home and just like I suspected, Emily, our house sitter, was there waiting for me. “We have one hour and the dryers done come to my Christmas party.” Well after twisting my arm I was in. Full on open bar they had everything. This party was for a Vancouver real estate company so they had all high-end hard bar and they even had Cariboo to my surprise. They had a real popcorn machine popping me bowl after bowl of yummy fresh buttered poppy corn! Right when we walked in I saw the Santa they hired rolling around on the floor with some lady getting dirty grabbing at her and kissing her. He was a real dirty Santa, I loved it and I had to meet him.

“Santa Billy is my name,” he said, “your making me look bad kid!” he only said this because I was also wearing a Santa jacket but I replied, “I’m making you look good! I’m telling everyone I’m your son and I’m not ready to conform yet.” He loved that and we hung out most the night shooting the shit. He ended up selling me a Santa suite by the end of the night so now I have two suites. Wicked night.

So, this is the part I wanted to make short. I woke up the next day and picked up some prizes from Cariboo and said hi to the folks over there wishing them a happy holiday. Then it was off to the hospital for my doctor’s appointment. I had to see a urologist by 2pm sharp. I showed up and the doc never raped my ass like I thought he would but, he did end up telling me I will have to get circumcised as soon as a bed opens and I’m at a very high risk of Penile Cancer. What the Hell! That was heavy shit. That was a surreal moment I must say.

Here are signs and symptoms of penile cancer. “In most cases, the first sign of penile cancer is a change in the skin of the penis. The skin may change color, become thicker, or tissue may build up in one area.” That was me. Everything here seems normal except for the above symptoms but I can thankfully say I have no lumps, bumps or mumps. Everything works great I can get hard as a rock and blow a door off a barn if I need to.

So after that I filled out forms and the doctor sent me on my way. I had four stops in the hospital to do tests right away before I could go anywhere. I felt like a zombie walking alone as I following the red and green lines to areas of the hospital I remember in the past thinking “I hope I never end up here” and now I was there getting tests.

You know my granny was fifty four and got cancer, now mom is forty six and fighting for her life. I feel like I’m next in line and I’ve felt like that since 2002 when granny passed away. Since 2002 I have not taken anything for granted, my life, my family, my friends, every moment and everyday. With this news now we are really in to making some memories I tell you!

I got home and a group of buddies were waiting for me. Hoodie worked on the party cab and got the stereo, brakes and tires all tuned up ready for the night. I went upstairs fighting the tears and pulled on my Santa suite. Good thing the Santa hair was nice and long it helps cover the tears.

Patricia will be mad at me but I pulled off the body pillowcase from our bed and jammed as many flats of Cariboos into it as I could. I had two Christmas parties to go to this night and the first one was the Canada Post party. Hoodie jumped on the party cab cranked up the pounding stereo and started peddling downtown. What a blast! We got to the Skytrain and Hoodie peaced out – it was all up to me now.

I have lived downtown for almost fourteen years now and the first five years I party cabbed the streets of downtown paying rent and surviving the game. Well, this night I was back! Santa Claws crawled back on his slay and headed to Gastown. I finally found the first Christmas party and peered through the window at all my co-workers and most of them thought I was some crazy bum dress up as Santa. I pointed a buddy out and he came out looking scared, til I offered him a Cariboo beer from Santa’s sack, then he knew it was me and everything was alright. Co-workers piled out as Striker Claws handed out ice-cold B.C. brewed Cariboos. I asked my coworker to watch my trike while I used the bathroom. I come back outside and my cab was gone. Some dumb ass chick that I work with jumped on the party cab all drunk and rode up the block crashing it into a wall bending the front tire so now it wobbles.

I said my goodbyes and headed to the next Christmas party. This one was the Landyachtz party at chronic Taco in Gastown. Open bar, free food, a longboarders dream. I still was dressed up as Santa and I still had a slay full of Boos. I was still a little shocked from the doctors appointment and not really feeling like talking to everyone so I sat outside the party with my stereo cranked hooking up longboarders out smoking with the Boo. Every time I see a street person or somebody that looked like they had a hard go at life I, Santa would yell, “Hey you, Santa has a gift for you. Over here!” they would limp over and I’d be reaching into my sack and pulling out a nice Boo for them to take on their way. Striker Claws made so many poor people happy with just one Boo for their travels. I heard things like “God bless you!” and other nice things. Hand shakes and fist pumps baby!

The cops rolled up on Santa and they had a TV crew with them. It made me think of that show cops and I think it was. They came over and talked to me meanwhile I had a Christmas sack of Boo between my legs and all they said was to put on a helmet. What a close call and hey you might see me on Cop’s next episode!

When the sack of Boo was empty I went in to the Christmas party and had a good time. I guess as good as time as one could have after a doctor says you’re at high risk for cock cancer and you must be circumcised right away. I got to see so many of my longboard family and broke the news to a few of them and again good thing I had my Santa hair and beard on because it hid the tears and funny looking faces I must have been making at times.

The ride was a long ride home. Santa is way out of shape and the seat was sure rammed up Santa’s ass making it not a very fun ride home. I got home late again and set my alarm for the Toys for Kid’s Coast Longboarding Parade.

Hoodie flew around back with the party cab and woke me up with the pounding gangster rap tunes blasting out of the party cab. I knew it was show time. Santa ran downstairs and we headed to the art gallery. We round the corner and to my surprise there was a huge group of riders of all ages waiting for the Toys for Kids Parade to start. We pushed from the Vancouver Art Gallery down Granville to Drake St. yelling “Toys for Kids!” and “Donate to your local food shelters!” I heard “Help an under privileged kid, have a nice Christmas and donate”

Striker Claws had bells ringing and yelling, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” While Hoodie, the tired little elf, pulled along Striker Claws and his three hundred pound ass up and down the streets of Vancouver. We took photos with gingerbread men and all kinds of people heard our message in the streets this day. T.V. pictures and videos were captured all up and down the rich peoples streets. I seen one happy rich guy get hit by a car taking photos of all of us. What a spectacle, over fifty longboarders raging the streets for a good cause.

The Cops came and escorted us down Robson Street as we made our way to the goal, which was the CTV news headquarters on Burrard st. Security waited for us at the doorway making sure Santa didn’t bring his Slay in. in fact the security was so adamant on keeping us out I could help but notice he was foaming a white paste from the sides of his mouth spitting frothing like a vicious dog. We calmed him down saying we will just leave Santa’s Slay outside. The security guard licked his lips and let us in through the doors.

Presents flew everywhere! The big white beautifully decorated tree already had lots of gifts for kids all ages under the tree and the longboarders just piled on the love. We marched everyone up the stairs for the annual picture as the riders chanted “Toys for Kids! Toys for Kids!” Cameras flashed like we were movie stars. CTV was also recording the whole event to our surprise and we made the CTV news broadcast for the evening news. A job well done and a mission accomplished. Our message was heard on the streets of Vancouver and now that we made the CTV evening news our messages reminded all the people of British Columbia to donate to food banks and toys for under privilege kids.

The Coast Longboaridng Hockey Winter Classic took place hours after the Toys for Kids Parade down on Main St. We found a great dry and lit underground parkade that is close to the Skytrain downtown, where police don’t bother us but in our first game we were interrupted by the squad car. It’s more my fault that anything because I called for the games to start at 7pm and really we should have started at 11pm. Anyways, the cops let us play through our first game and we got through it with no major injuries. This was a nice warm up for the games later on under the Cambie St. bridge that proved to be painful.

Cops finally kicked us out and we refreshed and regrouped across the street at the burger king. Hoodie peddled us through the drive through on the party cab and we stacked up on the snack ups. We transported the Boo into the back of the truck and made our way to our Cambie st bridge location. This is where the mountains of Cariboo beers got crushed.

Longboarding hockey you need one foot on your board to play the can or two feet on your board to score. We play the game with a beer can as our puck and when this thing gets smashed around for a game it crumples into a screaming ball of sharp metal. Any slapshot in the face will cut you and you are screwed. The blood poured oh did the blood ever pour this night. Sloppy Steve got a can in the face giving him a nice fifteen fresh stiches. Sandman took a shot in the forehead leaving a hunk of skin and blood on the arena floor. Badner tore some tendons in his ankle, Brice took himself out and smashed his face off the concrete boards and Johnny Yard waste broke his nose from a blistering Slapshot from the point. The boys played till we couldn’t play any more. I bet everyone was sore the next day.



The next Coast Longboarding Winter Classic will be held on Saturday January 21 at 11pm main and 2nd ave. were starting later to keep the cops off our backs. Make sure you tell everyone you know to come out and bring an extra stick.

See you guys later! Cariboo rules!

Strike out!

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