Striker’s Tales: 06.01.12
Talk about recovery. Three races in seven days! I’m just getting back to normal here in downtown Vancouver. Striker Tales eh… Well before I get into attack of danger bay 11 I wanted to touch on a tale from back in the good old days. I was about a hundred pounds lighter and I just loved all you can eat places. This particular time I was at the Mongolia Grill that just opened on Davie St. between Thurlow and Bute.
Back in the good old days when nothing mattered I would go there and pound back four or five dry bowls that would turn into two or three huge cooked bowls. Well after a forklift helped me out the door I started pushing my longboard down the sidewalk to my house. A really lazy roll might I add. Like the kind of roll you roll when you just pounded back three huge bowls of Mongolia Grill all you can eat. My eyes were sleepy and I wanted my bed.
As I rolled at a crawl one pump every so often I was just getting to Thurlow Street the errrrrk! I skidded out on a rock and it sent me air born. As I flew through the air I was looking for a landing pad for my feet then “pop” I landed! That pop was something exploding in my stomach. When I landed I got a warm fuzzy feeling all through out my body and started to sweat. I tore the shit out of my stomach wall and the doctor just told me to press in the spot when I cough, sneeze or laugh so I did.
The reason why I tell you this story is because I almost died tonight eating all you can eat sushi on Davie St. just four restaurants away from the Mongolia Grill. This time was bad! The big boys went out this night. Four of us cash in over a thousand pounds and it was on. I got a little too cocky and started eating like a madman. I ate like a child that hasn’t seen food in weeks because he was stuck, trapped under some rubble from an earthquake. I ate so much it got to the point where it came down to the ice cream! One giant scoop forced into my mouth. As I spit it back on the spoon big Trevor made me laugh to the point the food and laughter cut off the air and circulation to my brain and everything went black. The feeling of being passed out was hitting me at the same time. I hunched over and stopped laughing and the boys knew something was wrong when I was silent and ice cream drooled out of my mouth onto my hands and the table.
I snapped out of it not feeling like myself. I asked the boys if they just witnessed what the hell just happened? I cleaned my hands and table up and told them they need to get me out of there! Anyways, I’m home now and I’m still burping up, tuna sashimi, wild salmon sashimi, ice cream and the other hundred and fifty items on the menu that I stuffed down my yap for twenty-five bucks. Tonight, I almost died at the all you can eat sushi spot on Davie!
So Attack of Danger Bay was roots this year. It’s Danger Bay and we’re in the next decade after an uncontrollable Danger Bay seven, eight, nine and ten eleven brought us back to our roots. We had fewer racers and less campers and that meant for more runs on the hill and less garbage and craziness to deal with. But don’t get me wrong we still had our fair share of craziness and the top racers from around the world still showed up to claim the glory of winning the title. This years final runs were runs to remember. K-Rimes defending Danger Bay champ comes flying into a wet, patchy carnage corner ahead of the very hot Alex Tongue from the USA, then behind was Danky a hill killer from Brazil and Mr. Canada Patrick Switzer.
Coming out of the carnage corner it looked like K-Rimes didn’t have enough speed to hold his lead to becoming the only racer to win three Attack of Danger Bays and Alex Tongue, the speedy young gun with a quick draft and then popping out to make the pass on K-Rimes with speed while K-Rimes started power pumping knowing he needed more speed to beat the pack and when he went to put his foot back on his board he wasn’t balanced right and made a dramatic crash and they were just speeding to the last corner to the finish line.
The crash took Alex Tongues dreams of winning a Danger Bay out of sight because K-Rimes board smashed into Tongue and he splattered the pavement! While all this was going on Mr. Canada did some dancing through the twin towers and the rubble and when the smoked cleared it was Switzer in the front of the pack racing to the finish line to claim the cup with Danky from Brazil close behind! K-Rimes ended up taking third and Alex had to settle with fourth. What a finish!
Back at the camp is always a whole other story. I’m running around most the weekend to really get the full throttle but to start things off after eleven years of a perfect thirty three foot U-Haul driving record except the time I backed up and swung the front right bumper into a truck at the camp destroying the U-Haul fender. But besides that I ditched one of three U-Hauls this year full of hay in the camp. I took a turn too sharp and sunk the back right tire in the ditch like the school bus did two years before me. It was a simple tow truck call. I blamed it on the tow trucks stepson Team Green Sandy so we got pulled out for free with no damage.
Another great Danger Bay camp story that wouldn’t be so funny if it was you was we had ten porta potties and they were all blue but one of them was a really nice bright orange. The story goes that one of the clowns from Power Clown the Iron Maiden cover band thought he would go and have a nice shit. Well, while he was in the shitter a red truck was backing up to make a turn around and bumped into all the toilets. Of course the only one that was orange and had someone in it crashed to the ground. The drummer clown pulls himself out of the toilet covered in blue shit piss and tampon juice just freaking out! Glad that wasn’t me!
Then my buddy Devon tied a bag to the security station hut so people could recycle there cans. Well after the bag got full there was a cow tit full of beer in the bottom corner of the back roasting in the sun most the day and rumor has it people were giving anyone sixty bucks, a set of wheels and some weed to drink this sucker down Danger Bay style. Well, I heard the cheers and I threw in a new Coast Longboarding Attack of Danger Bay limited edition zipper hoodie for the guy! So like a cow’s tit the crowd punched a hole in the bag and we milked the bag of all the beer draining it into the Danger Bay Cup for the brave soul to douse. And he did! The crowd roared!
If you have clowns then you need to have Neil E. Dee and the Danger Show! Neil E. Dee is no stranger to Danger Bay. Four years ago he played in the band called the China Creeps that rocked the campsite. Years later I caught wind about what this mans been up to.
Neil beats the shit out of himself plain and simple. Like the old days and the circus side shows and freak shows we had a little shack in the woods for the stage where everyone in the first couple rows had to sit down and experience some freaky ass shit. Like doing a headstand on a pile of glass then getting a man to stand of his head while he uses a pile of shattered glass as a pillow. Like laying down on a bed of sharp nails and getting a cinder block smashed over his chest by a drunk crowd member with a sledge hammer. He drilled in his nose with a power saw! Lit his smoke with sparks from a band saw. He ate fire, snorted condoms and the highlight of the night was to let the crowd staple a bunch of cash to his forehead. I couldn’t resist. I had forty bucks burning a hole in my pocket so I grabbed the industrial staple gun with one hand and grabbed the back of his head with the other and really made sure the cash stuck good into his skull!
Man I haven’t even got into the F-Bomb Danger Bay tour yet and the adventures we had all week! This was one of the best Danger Bays in years to me and all the racers that I have spoken with. Total success! Another one in the bag! But this could have been the last!
Well, it’s bedtime and I’m loading up the F-Bomb tomorrow and heading to North America’s fastest race on Vancouver Island! Normally, this would be the Coast Longboarding British Columbia tour and my moms favorite race Sheep Creek for speed freaks but the island organizers changed the date of their race and scheduled it on this years Sheep creek. Piss me off! My mom is rolling in her grave if she knew we weren’t coming up again.
Love you mom, miss you!