Striker’s Tales: Halloween Special

• Nov
  8th

So it’s a week later and I finally got my camera back with my Halloween adventures. I woke up the day after Halloween and my camera was gone. I had no time to look for my missing camera because I had to board a plane back to the Cariboo where my mom is still battling terminal cancer and other goodies that life has handed her. I must say thank god for air miles because I don’t know how id be able to fly back and fourth all the time to care for my mother and then take a break and see my baby every so often.

This Halloween was a nice break for me to have some time to think and surround myself with some good buddies…id say good friends, but I ask myself the question, would they really be there for me when I’m in my moms situation one day. Living in the hospital. Ha. Hmm.

I headed out to maple ridge to pick up the F-bomb and ripped off the 40 by 60 foot tarp and then blew the dust off the Cariboo beer fridge and plugged it in so I could roll up to my psycho serial killer friend Lukes house with a fridge full of ice cold Halloween Cariboos. The orange honey lager stubby bottles and the black cream ale cans made for a perfect Halloween brew-ski.

So the first stop was Luke’s 7th Annual Halloween Bash in Burnaby. It’s a trick for the 50% of the dressed up guests that don’t know the real smell of death and a treat for the rest of the guests that are all brain washed and know what’s really going on this night. Luke puts on the kind of Halloween party you leave your wife and baby home for…and I did and good thing I did because I could smell burnt skin and burning hair all the way on east Hastings street as I made my way to Luke’s house party. I hoped I would leave this party alive.

Halloween, Luke goes all out and he goes all out every year. He turns his house upside down. He digs up the back yard where he keeps all the real human bones he’s collected over the decade and scatters them through out the house. For some of the graves He’s hammered crosses into the ground in his front yard and sets up the tomb stones where his dead guest were buried in the name of Halloween for this years party. The neighbors in the neighborhood all think this haunted house is just for Halloween and there right, but what they don’t know is that the rest of the graves that Luke digs up prior to his Halloween party in his front yard is also filled with soccer moms and their kids that compete in games every Saturday at the field across the street from his house.

Buckets of Real Tarantulas, Black Widows and other poisonous spiders are dumped in the couches, heating vents, bathrooms and curtains to scare or poison his guests. Everyone has to Watch out where you step because of nice clean neat and tidy finger bones are kicked all over the floor creating a crunch with each step you take. Imported poisonous snakes slither around the bones and through the Matts of human hair, torn off fingernails and the most disgusting strips of grow test rotten shaved dead human arm and leg skin. The light bulbs dipped in blood gave the room a dark red atmosphere making it hard to tell if the bones are real and if that was a pile of uncooked bacon on the floor or just plane old skin.

Days before his party a few of his die hard guests get together and sacrifice a few stray neighborhood cats to keep the demons and evil spirits happy. They communicate through Luke’s original wee gee board dating back to the 1700’s. The meat from the cats were cooked up in his kitchen oven and served to family and friends for Halloween appetizers. The food was great but you do have to spit out the occasional hairball or cat tooth and what makes things worse the teeth are usually still stuck in the cat’s gums making it chewy and crunchy at the same time. Wash it down with a Boo I say!

The blood in the fruit punch goes well with the 6o pounder of vodka. The secret fruit ingredient was simply puke, human shit and squished human eye juice. Drink one cup of this mix makes everyone puke all over the house. The whole house smells like puke and shit! The bathroom is no different. The bathtub is filled with blood from the hospital, puke, more human shit including some of Lukes very own stomach stink, human intestines, animal and human brains, nail less fingers and decapitated heads. Be carful Luke makes sure the fan in his bathroom is sharpened and works better than ever so don’t go sticking your fingers in there trying to fix the fan when it wont turn on because it will turn on alright. It will turn on to cut off your damn hand.

The party was out of hand; a few guests were hung by their necks this year. One giant 8 foot tall lady or man or whatever it was got half their arm gut off. One of the guy’s girlfriends got her throat slit and sewed back together. A man was turned into a unicorn, a police officer came and arrested a totally piss drunk transvestite that was trying to fight everyone in the house and a crazy cheerleader wouldn’t quit screaming at the top of her lungs.

I woke up the next day outside the hunted house and found three dead bodies in the f-bomb, so I got Luke to burn the bodies in his fireplace as I mopped up the floor and drove the Coast Longboarding RV back to Maple Ridge. I’m glad to say I made it out alive and I wont be going back to Luke’s haunted house for Halloween ever again.

The next night Cariboo through a huge Halloween party on Granville St, but by the time we finally made it out to the big night it was too late! By the time I finally wrangled six buddies, got them all dressed the Cariboo Halloween party was full blown. The place was sold out! We missed DJ Chong Wizard and we missed Soak the Cariboo artist as he splashed his skills live on stage creating some spooky paintings. But all was not lost. The Cariboo’s did not stop coming to our table till sugar Shane Shinobi the transvestite got kicked out for being too trashy. He had a target on his ass soon as he walked out the house door that night. Long blond hair, black five o’clock shadow, skinny little crack head legs sticking out of his nice tight pink dress with one shoulder strap around his shoulder, chest tattoos and to everyone’s surprise a lady magnet. His night ended when he slipped in puke twisting his knee and had to call for his girlfriend to come peel him off the street. Piss, blood a black eye, bummed knee what the hell happened to sugar that night! I’m glad Halloween is over!

This weekend marks The 8th Annual Coast Longboarding Splash For Cash Outlaw Race on the Sunshine Coast:

Big huge cash prize up for grabs!! Riders will be making the trip from all over the world to rumble in the rain. I will be flying back to Vancouver to unleash the fff-bomb beast and were packing that sucker and were back on the road!!! Time to plug in the Cariboo fridge because this weekend were racing for keeps!

Cariboo Skate Cards – Set II

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