Cariboo Brewing

Striker’s Tales: A Coast Longboarding Christmas Circumcision!?!

• Dec
  22nd

This Christmas, a doctor will open my foreskin. I’ll make sure to have a bow.

Ok, to start off nobody is getting shit for Christmas this year. I mean nobody! But I’ll be getting a Christmas present this year but the sad thing about this is its from or for my doctor that I’ve met once and for only a brief moment. he same doctor that flopped it around, pulled it back and grabbed my balls, gets to unwrap it – with a scalpel! That’s right I’m going under the knife for Christmas. The date, December 23, 11:00am. Show your support this wonderful unforgettable day and book an appointment at your local piercing get up and hammer a prince Alberto through your knob. I will feel your energy. If you are broke and can’t afford to show your support by getting a prince Alberto then a cheaper way to show me your support would be slam a door on your bits and lock it or crush your jimmy in the kitchen cupboard while having a safety pin or two sticking out the top of it. If that’s all a bit too extreme then get a simple tattoo on your shaft, if that too much to handle on Dec 23rd 11:00am just give it a full on flick but make it a good one.

Wow, so this is really happening to me?. Is this just the start? What’s the big idea here anyway? They start with the circumcision and then five years down the road they make me a woman! That’s if I make it five years. I’m going to find out right away I’m guessing if I have cock cancer. I had a buddy with cock cancer and he died just under a year. I hope all this shit didn’t stem from the day I burnt a hotel room bible on the balcony in San Diego few years ago. Maybe there really is a God! This is my karma!

I went to the Landyachtz Christmas party last week and they had a gift exchange. I got a friend to grab me a gift while he was up because I was stuck in my seat after what I heard from the doctor. He came back and said “you pick” I had the choice of 2 presents.I picked the first gift and I could tell it was booze! “Merry Christmas” I said “its booze” so I didn’t open the gift and gave him the booze and I took the other present. Get this. Out of 50 plus people and 50 plus gifts I pick the gift that changes everybody’s life. The only gift, that gives the sick hope. The only gift that gives the blind eyes! The only gift that gives the legless legs and the cockles cocks! I open the gift up that I traded for booze – it was a bible! Unreal, Halleluiah.

It’s the 22nd of December right now and last night I couldn’t sleep. My brain was running wild. Thinking of the good times I and my hooded Tommy gun have had over the years. So what did I do? I started reading the bible with an ice cold Cariboo. I must say it helped. Made my eyes all sleepy made for a good sleep in my house coat on the hard floor of my baby’s bedroom. I was wishing I could just fit in the crib last night but that wouldn’t work I’m too heavy and would break it, kinda like the chair I broke on my first day of class on the first moment I introduced myself to my new classmates at a new school. But the crib was available mom and baby were sleeping in the nice comfy bed together in the other room.

So I did some research on this topic on Google. Don’t you dare do that! It’s enough to make the toughest guy sick. So I got on the phone and started calling my buddies. You know the ones that have been circumcised between the years of seven to twenty seven years old. Well, lucky for me I have a phone book of friends that have been cut between these years. My one buddies said “Yeah, no problem man it’s just going to look like a dog chewed on your pee pee for a day. The doctor that did me was a hippie. He pulled out this needle bigger than my gun for the freezing and stuck me.” Then his doctor said while holding his hands in the air with blood dripping off his hands “are you ready – hahaaha, just joking, we’re done.” My god!

I’m thinking of writing a message on my balls with a ball point pen saying “be careful” that might be a first for the doctor. My other friend that got cut by the doctor said he got sixteen stitches and “I popped a stitch at work!” He says it won’t look the same but not to worry. He says after the doctor had his way with him his magic rod looks like Frankinpenis.

So tomorrow is the big day. I will have a day to recover then back on a plane to Williams Lake for a fantastic Christmas. Once the freezing wares off I’m in trouble according to my buddy. But nothing is worse than I’ve already gone through. Well I won’t say that yet but Maybe all these years of breaking collarbones, wrists, ribs, lungs, helmets, fingers and most painful Hoffman apparatus and road rash on the back of my shoulder blade to the bone got me ready for this point in my life! “Pain is my middle name.” “Pain is my middle name.”

Don’t forget ladies and gentlemen we have the big race on Boxing Day, The 2nd Annual Bull Mountain Boarder Cross Challenge and Potluck, just four short (gulp!) days after I get cut I’m hosting this race. I’m in big trouble. The pain and the show must go on!

Strike out!

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