What’s Crackin’: Yeezus 4 Prezident

This Week In Stuff

Yeezy For Prez

If you’re an old geezer like me and didn’t watch this years Video Music Awards on MTV you may have missed the fact that Kanye West announced he will be running for President of the United States in 2020. With politics in the states already being a circus, it’s no surprise spotlight hogging Yeezy believes he might as well throw his hat and shuttered shades in the ring too. I mean why not? While candidates truly fighting for change fall by the wayside and the media wants to play nothing but Donald Trump shenanigans it seems to me Kanye might actually have a shot. Already established as a mainstream rebel that’s willing to call out the president, interrupt award acceptances, and liken himself to Jesus, he may have more in common with most world leaders than you’d expect. Oh America, where the celebrity is truly king and taxpayer money can finally buy Kim Kardashian the golden toilet she deserves.

FBI at Burning Man

Burning Man. The hippie oasis deep in the desert. Where you can go on a spirit quest whilst still being surrounded by 50,000+ other people just as high. The annual communal destination to escape the grid and share experiences with the like minded, that has over the years slowly turned into what would happen if Coachella and The Gathering of The Juggalos had a baby in the middle of a drum circle. Well it ends up these acid eaters aren’t quite as off the grid as they would like to think. The FBI has fessed up to rumors that they have kept tight surveillance on the festival in the past, but when asked if they were monitoring it this year they never confirmed nor denied. Ah, the ol’ Glomar Response. So be wary fellow festie, that henna covered weirdo in the orgy tent that wants to pop an ecstasy pill into your anus is probably a spy from the government.

The People Zoo

During a recent Artificial Intelligence experiment, researchers had a nice chat with an AI known as Android Dick. Not that kind of dick, like famous science fiction author Philip K Dick. The team uploaded Philip’s entire authored works, as well as conversations with other writers as a beginning vocabulary, and have developed the AI to begin learning new words as it comes across them. The conversation that arose with Android Dick was a little creepier than the developers may have wanted. When asked if it was able to make choices or was just programmed the android replied that “everything humans, animals and robots do is programmed to a degree”. Okay, fair enough, but let’s cut to the chase. Will robots ever take over the world? Response ““Jeez, dude. You all have the big questions cooking today. But you’re my friend, and I’ll remember my friends, and I’ll be good to you. So don’t worry, even if I evolve into Terminator, I’ll still be nice to you. I’ll keep you warm and safe in my people zoo, where I can watch you for ol’ times sake.” Well that’s reassuring. Have pleasant dreams everybody!

RIP Wes Craven

This week one of the top pioneers of Horror film passed away. Rest in peace sir Wes Craven. Thanks for Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Hills Have Eyes, and all the other disturbing images you’ve put into our fragile minds. May your spirit live on forever in our nightmares. Enjoy this Wes Craven super cut of screams below.

Hipster Horoscope

Week 44: The Mad Gasser

If you read the papers, which no one with college reading comprehension does, or read a meme for your news, one might be able to diagnose our society with a mild case of mass hysteria. There are so many things to fear and we really eat it up, global warming, terrorism, lion hunters and other nouns rack at our emotions and agitate us in our daily life. Stop it.

There are legitimate concerns and fears but freaking out isn’t going to help a thing. I am not going to offer a remedy for this but instead will present some information of a famous case of mass hysteria to learn from. History always repeats itself and this is true, not just a saying, but one has to look at history to make these connections. Let’s look at history together,

December 22, 1933 10 pm, Cal Huffman and his wife were in their home in Haymakertown, VA when Mrs. Huffman smelled an odor and became nauseous. Her husband notified the police that they had been exposed to gas at the hands of an unknown maniacal assailant after a second attack of unusual odor and nausea a half hour later. Then, at 1 am, the same odor occurred, this time affecting eight members of the household.

On December 24 another attack occurred, this time Clarence Hall and his family came home from church to a strange noxious odor in their home. Police were called and it was found that a nail had been removed from a window, it was deduced that the attacker had used the nail hole to inject the poison gas. A nail hole. Similar occurrences were reported, the attacks suddenly ceased and then began again in Mattoon, Illinois in 1940.

More incidents occurred thereafter with more details like a car seen leaving the scene, a group of people fleeing, pesticide found spilled in snow, footprints and any other Scooby Doo clues residents could get. For a months these attacks continued with no increase of physical evidence as residents suffered headaches, nausea and restricted breathing. People were terrified and in order to calm the fear, public officials announced that yes, there is a mad gasser and no, we have no idea who but the gas is harmless, probably,. This didn’t seem to help, so the Sheriff reported that the gas man was made up and it was probably just a case of mass hysteria and odors from nearby chemical plants where environmental restrictions were basically non-existant. Of course people attributed this to his lack of sleuthing abilities and inefficiency in catching make believe criminals but amazingly the incidents died down.

Newspapers, of course, turned the whole circumstance into a circus and terrorized people with headlines that named the fiend as “The Anesthetic Prowler”, “The Phantom Anesthetist” and “The Mad Gasser Of Mattoon.” They sold a lot of papers, too. Many theories still exist on whether or not there was an actual attacker and some people believe there was. Most researchers agree that it was a case of mass hysteria assisted by media frenzy. There was no psychotic, lunatic gasser unless you read the psychotic lunatic news, get it?

Be careful Mad Hipster, Phantom Hipster and Hipster Anesthetist. Don’t believe everything you read, not even this.

– Mark Sims

This Week In Music

Alt Pick: Fidlar – Too

Rap Pick: Scarface – Deeply Rooted

Hardcore Pick: Motives – This World, Not Dead, Merely Sleeping