What’s Crackin’: Twerking Butt Edition

This Week In Stuff

The TwerkingButt Virtual Reality Sex Toy

It’s official, there is absolutely no need for a sexual partner anymore. The megalithic porn company PornHub has released a full on twerking butt sex toy that comes complete with virtual reality goggles. That’s right, the first ever 3D cyber sexperience is here. Loaded with tons of settings the bubble butt machine not only twerks, but can massage, warm up, vibrate, and automatically activates when you insert your bent banana. Priced at only $500 for the basic package these things are pretty affordable, compare that to the cost of a wedding ring and the choice is easy. Now if only a sandwich popped out the other end everything would be right in the world. Let this jiggly synthetic lower half be your better half. Not convinced? Watch the commercial here: http://www.twerkingbutt.com/


Man Turning Black After Liver Transplant

Doctors struggle to come up with an explanation as to why one Russian man that underwent a liver transplant from a black man is he himself turning black. The man seems totally cool with it and is just happy he has a working liver again. The change is happening slowly and he suspects he is only going to become darker. He actually seems quite stoked about it after 60+ years of living as a boring pale white dude, he’s finally going to visit that part of town he’s always avoided. I bet he’s hoping he’ll be seeing a little change in the nether regions, a little more length and girth perhaps? This should be mandatory punishment for anybody that posts a racist article on Facebook. Oh you don’t like Mexicans? Guess what? Now you are one.


Hundreds of Dildos Dangle From Powerlines

Weird things happen in Portland, but this was a little more out there than usual. Just weeks after thousands participated in the World Naked Bike Ride, parents were once again shielding the eyes of their little ones when hundreds of dildos appeared dangling from power lines all over the city. Public utilities claim they pose no fire hazard, so in true Portland fashion they will probably just ignore them and go back to drinking a shandys in an ironic t-shirt. An even more puzzling fact is that all of the dildos seem to be paired in white and orange, probably the least popular of sex toy colors, cause where you gonna hide some bright orange vag plug? In the fruit bowl?


Can A Computer Dream?

Alright, we’re about to get real on you. As real as artificial intelligence has ever been. Google has been working on some crazy neural experiments with AI technology, and one company DreamDeeply has gone public with just the tip of the iceberg of this advancement.. By setting up layers of differently functioning neural networks to replicate how the human mind deciphers what it sees they have pretty much stumbled upon the spirit world. At their website http://dreamdeeply.com/ you can upload an image and then set the computer to either “take a nap” or have a “full nights rest”. The computer then processes the image through its different neural networks and exaggerating whatever it thinks it sees. The result is what nightmares of made of, looking like a full on acid trip, or maybe it’s just what is really there. Try it out for yourself!


Hipster Horoscope

Week 41: Primal Fear

“Come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination.” Willy Wonka.

Let us take the way-back machine to the before-times when human beings are first starting to show up on the fossil records. It is somewhere between 70,000 and 6,000 years ago depending on who you consult. Time is not the focus of the caveman, though- his low numbers and impact on the earth is. At this time a colony of termites had an equal impact on the environment as their human neighbors and fought equally for survival. Beavers built more than people at this time as well and equally shared menu status for the mighty Sabre Tooth Tiger, Short Faced Bear, Croczilla and Dire Wolves. Man was truly “but a man” at this time, outnumbered alone and pretty much a clever, stone age Chimp. Much more clever, granted, but still pretty stoney.

What turned the tide for these hairless weird beings that wandered the world and were greatly outnumbered by things like mammoths and Ancient Aliens (copyright-HC) ? They sucked at nail to claw combat and couldn’t do anything with their useless fangs so the rise of the homo came about through tools and weapons of course but more importantly, the ability to work in and organize groups. The “buddy system” was probably the first system ever invented, that led to prostitution, the world’s oldest profession. Pay a buddy.

I digress, but our fearless ancestors did not. Organization occurs in nature but only in a strict sense. The colonization and cooperation of termites does not deviate from conformity on a genetic level. Herds of mammals, also, behave in accordance to their instinct but they and a pack of wolves lack the ultimate survival tool- imagination.

According to Yuval Noah Harari, History Professor, in his book “Sapiens: A Brief History of Mankind”, a little imagination makes a lot of difference. Human beings, of all the Earth’s residents, are the only ones capable of looking ahead at what may happen. We build a shelter when we see clouds rather than waiting for rain and hiding under a bush. We also have the ability to convince others to believe what we imagine- we can build a wall to keep out invaders long before there is even a challenge, we can plant crops for next year and gather wood for winter. We can imagine cobras are in the bushes and avoid the area. Fear is an emotion attached to imagination- what’s gonna happen? It was foremost and vital to help stay out of trouble.

We can convince people we are gods and convince them to follow our imaginations. Hold up- not cool, but a great deal of mankind’s progress is attributed to the make believe. Only humans can conceive of such things as fighting for god kings and converting heathens to our imaginary systems. Borders, governments, laws and driving on the right side of the road are all products of imagination. Flags and banners make us Tigers when we are really just a Pee-Wee football team. Heritage, culture and tradition are all in our imagination but we will slit throats to preserve them. We will punch someone in the face over what hockey team we imagine is best. Know is best, sorry, please don’t hurt me.

Every single political or social issue we have today is fought or won with imagination and that urges me to consider that maybe some of that stuff isn’t real. Maybe someone knows that we are suckers for a fairy tale and that our first imaginative thoughts occurred to avoid danger, which was 24-7 back in the day, and fear is our most primal, easily provoked and trustworthy imaginative “instinct”. Imagine what we could accomplish without jerks like that. Taxes, regulations, lifeguards and traffic lights are the all the cerebral spawn of our fertile foresight, some good, some bad. I’ll tell you what’s not imaginary- war, poverty and world hunger. Feed the poor and peace out. Imagine good things. “What we’ll see will defy explanation.”-also Willy Wonka

-Mark Sims


This Week In Music

Indie Pick: Ratatat – Magnifique

get it here: http://www.ratatatmusic.com/


HipHop Pick: ¡Mayday! – Future Vintage

get it here: http://maydayonline.com/


Electronic Pick: The Chemical Brothers – Born In The Echoes

get it here: http://www.thechemicalbrothers.com/


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