What’s Crackin’: Trump vs Megaquake

This Week In Stuff

The Northwest Mega Quake Panic

This past week the Pacific Northwest was in a panic when a New Yorker article was published reminding us all of the impending mega earthquake that our region is long over due for. Being something not about cops shooting people, Fox News jumped at the chance to fear monger the masses about how they are all going to die and better repent to their white Jesus. In fact, they posted a top 5 items to have in case of an emergency, #1 being your cell phone. Yes, leave the rations, water, guns, and flashlights behind, because we all know you’re going to have excellent service when that 9.0 quake demolishes everything, and who doesn’t want to post a status update about that? In reality, specialists say that there is only a 15% chance that this kind of radical disaster will happen within the next 50 years, but it never hurts to be prepared, so keep that cell phone charged and your crucifix close. What does the New Yorker know about our beautiful region anyways? Jealous much?


Ontario Water Filled w/ Cocaine

A new study found that drinking water in parts of southern Ontario is packed with Cocaine and other illegal substances, including but not limited to; morphine, oxycodone, and all kinds of other prescription drugs. No wonder Ontarians are so flipping weird. Best believe Nestle has something to do with this, those evil corporate plastic water slanging butt plugs. Researchers say they are looking at a five year project in water treatment until the problem is fixed. Tweak out while you can Ontario. I for one am not afraid of some drugged up water, sounds like a party! Who needs booze when you can get floored taking shots out of the faucet? Now we know what happened to Rob Ford’s flushed stash.


Donald Trump #1 in Pinata Sales

In America there is an imbecile. Alright who are we kidding there is a ton of them, but the one that tops them all is the toupee wearing, loud mouthed, racist, bankruptcy addicted Donald Trump. The man has no filter, and has made it more than clear that he is not too fond of our Mexican friends down south. Yet, somehow he has found a way to top Jeb Bush in the polls. That’s right, Jeb Bush himself couldn’t even light the hate filled fire raging in the cold hearts of conservative Americans. He’s the kind of guy you would just love to beat with a stick, and in Mexico that’s exactly what they are doing. In the past popular cartoon characters and the like have topped Pinata sales for the country, but this year they are holding a grudge with their tradition. The #1 sold pinata in that land across the border is a doofy looking Donald Trump. If the states somehow go from Obama to Trump, we are in a world of trouble. I’d rather have an armadillo give me leprosy.


Armadillos Spreading Leprosy

Oh crazy news, could you get any crazier? Wild armadillos in the southern US are somehow spreading leprosy. Scientists have speculated these armored critters could spread the flesh eating disease to humans, and now Florida has given them proof. A recent string of leprosy has had one thing in common, each person infected has had recent contact with an armadillo. Wait, why are you handling armadillos? I can barely find the time to kick my cat, let alone do weird things to dillos. Leave the disease ridden creatures be. What is going on? Have we suddenly reverted to biblical times? Are we suffering the wrath of the plagues? Are people stupid? The answer to why this is happening is probably linked heavily to the latter. What a crappy way to go, one minute you’re in your backyard wrestling with a big rat like mammal, and the next thing you know your dick has fallen off. Good work America! Let’s bring Polio back while we’re at it.


Hipster Horoscope

Week 42: Walking Corpse Syndrom

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.” Groucho Marx.


Walking Corpse Syndrome
e is a rare mental disorder in which the sufferer holds the delusion that he or she is dead. The symptoms of the disorder do not mimic death however, but rather the person may have a variety of delusions from denial of existence to insistence of immortality. The delusion of immortality is something like a belief that one has already died and can therefore not suffer a natural death. People may also believe that they are slowly rotting and decaying and have coagulated blood. This is Goth, for real.

The Gothiest of all was a patient described by neurologist Jules Cotard around the year 1880. The patient known as Mademoiselle X (so goth) suffered from what he called The Delirium of Negation, mild cases may be accompanied with severe depression and self hatred. Extreme cases consist of intense self negation, denial of existence and chronic depression. Mademoiselle X was so severely stricken by the ailment that she believed that she had died and was sentenced to walk forever on the earth as the ghoulish undead. She believed that food was not necessary as she was dead, and she starved to death.

Of all the horrible afflictions I wish to avoid, this is definitely one, partially because of the treatment- electro-convulsive therapy has proven to be more effective than drugs. Don’t taze me bro!

To avoid this dark and gloomy disorder I have created a counter-disorder: Full affirmation of my existence and the delusion that I am actually alive. Oh yes, it works- clinical trials on myself have shown that this delusion has actually caused me to exist in a bigger and bolder way. Brazen, gleeful and deliriously confident I wander the streets as horrid and ghastly to the passersby in my mirth as the undead are in their horrid ghastliness. I open the door for you, stranger. I let you ease in, commuter. Go ahead first, hurried guy. My three victims avert eye contact as they shuffle away confused and bitten by my cool. Easing my flow and helping the dying, those who do not share my disease, has been great therapy as I cope with my affliction, The Zest For Life. Infect others- practical outbreak can be accomplished with kind words, encouragement and whatever it is that seeds life in the hearts of zombies. Love and cat videos?

No more Gloomy Gus, for any of us, agreed? Stay Alive! It is totally sexually transmittable, by the way. Spread your infectious zest.

”I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it”–George Carlin

– Mark Sims


This Week In Music

Indie Pick: Strange Wilds – Subjective Concepts

get it here: https://strangewilds.bandcamp.com/


Rap Pick: Public Enemy – Man Plans God Laughs

get it here: http://www.publicenemy.com/intro


Metal Pick: Locrian – Infinite Dissolution

get it here: http://www.locrianband.com/

Reply