What’s Crackin’: Ridiculous Holiday Gift Guide

Holiday Gift Guide

Solid Gold Dumbbells (price range: $125,000)

Are you the heir of a paper clip fortune and can afford to spend any amount on anything? Well then here is the gift for you to give this year. These solid gold dumbbells are perfect for those of us that are more concerned about looking good while working out than actually working out. Who wants to be throwing around clunky caveman weights when you can bust out 14 reps with 14 karats? Joe Rogan can peddle his primitive kettlebells and wacky weights vests all he wants, while your loved ones will be exercising like the Egyptian pharaohs would have before a nice cat milk bath. In fact, with these bad boys you won’t have to lift them at all, just leave them around and let them imply all the work. Kanye West bought a set, and he uses it to hold toilet paper. Donald Trump bought a set just to rub on his toupee for good luck.
Get ‘em here: http://www.hockshop.de/GOLDLOFT/en

Human Leather (price range: $15k-$30k)

What do you get the person that has everything and also reminds you of Norman Bates? Well when you can’t bring their mommy back from the dead, how about a nice leather wallet made from human flesh? This UK company promises to deliver top of the line epidermis for when you feel like Buffalo Bill but want to dress business casual. Besides wallets they also offer human belts, as well as dress shoes! Go into your next meeting with the confidence of knowing that your co-workers have no idea you are a repressed serial killer, and if they find out they will pay (oh, they will pay). If you’re too poor to afford this, just notify the clerk next time you renew your driver’s license that you would like to be an “organ donor”, because your skin is the biggest organ of the body, and it’s got to go somewhere, like a CEO’s back pocket.
Get it here: http://www.humanleather.co.uk/humanleatherproducts.html

Twerking Butt (price range: $600-$1,000)

Easily the “Tickle Me Elmo” of this Holiday season. Pornhub’s “Twerking Butt” is a revolution in sex toy technology. With multiple settings, and top of the line twerk technology that makes Miley Cyrus’ hip thrusts look like Liza Minnelli hobbling to the hip doctor. If you go this route, make sure and pick up an extra as you’re definitely going to want to take it for a spin, because why buy a car you can’t drive yourself? Not only does this pile of sexy latex look and feel like a Nicki Minaj album cover, but it also comes with state of the art virtual reality porn. That’s right Oculus Rift, meet Oculus Slit. This is one of those truly special gifts that can be shared with the whole family. Hell, why not let Grandpa give it a go? He’s only got so long. Do yourself a favor and make the Twerking Butt the centerpiece to your masturbation station this year, and say goodbye to relationships forever.
Get it here: http://www.twerkingbutt.com/

Tampon Flasks (price range: $10)

Tired of TSA and stadium security confiscating your fancy flasks? Need something that no one will touch, but only question why you are putting in the wrong hole? Well here is the gift for you. Perfect for the eccentric aunt, or any frisky female in your life. These clever mini flasks have been designed to look like 10 individual tampons, complete with cotton, string, and all the booze that two hour flight will take. Get creative with it, throw in a pipe that looks like a highlighter and become the best uncle your nieces could ask for. As a precaution, warn any receiver of this gift not to mix them up with their real tampons, or they will be a bloody mess (no pun intended). Not only will someone checking your bags not get anywhere near this, but it will also scare men away, and who needs them? Because remember, your cats don’t judge you and sleep with your sister. Show the adventuresome woman in your life that you know what she wants, to sneak booze from an object usually found in her vagina. Bottoms up?
Get em here: http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/tampon-flasks

Pizza Holder/Necklace (price range: $10)

If there is one thing I hate it’s when I’m double fisting slices of pie, and some chick is like “hey touch my boobs” and I’m like “I can’t, I’m eating pizza”, well now I can touch all the boobs I want after I put my extra slice of ‘za in this ridiculously awesome Pizza necklace. Everybody loves pizza! Here is the perfect stocking stuffer that will work for any neglected overweight child of divorce. By using state of the art technology, a group of the most prestigious of engineers developed this triangular plastic sleeve that will actually hold a slice of pizza. I know, I didn’t believe it at first either, but trust me, this is about the change your life. Never accidentally grab something while still holding your double pepperoni extra cheese again. Need to pass out? Throw that slice in this resealable container for the morning, because when you wake up you’re going to need something to soak up all of that shame.
Get it here: http://odditymall.com/pizza-slice-holding-lanyard

Hipster Horoscope

Week 49: Who The Hell Are You?

Self-actualization is the realization or fulfillment of your potential. Self-actualization is the concept of seeing yourself as what you want to be, aspire to be or maybe actually are. It is the desired result for those that pick a career path or carve their own destiny. It is the answer to the question, “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” and the result of the statement, “I always wanted to be a doctor.” The concept has been tossed around as an accompaniment to a variety of psychological theories. It was first conceived as the realization of all that one might be capable of. Among the attributes of this idea are the cultivation of the essence of being, it is how one sees ones self as “spiritual” or compassionate. It is how one sees ones self in the backdrop of the world. Life is a huge competition of everyone manifesting their own self-actualization sometimes in twisted and horrible ways. The self actualization of tyrants and dictators is not a good thing. There is also supposed to be a healing aspect attributed to this concept as people have a need to express themselves in order to develop to their full potential. In a perfect world in the purest and most outlandishly positive example of this model, a child would have every advantage imaginable.

A person has a need to express and that is why we get expressions such as “hey watch this” and “hold my beer”. Full expression and knowledge of one’s potential is considered to be the pinnacle of psychological development and the near coddled child might achieve such. In order for the stifling of potential to be eliminated a person needs their basic needs taken care of. They need the proper food and shelter , nurturing, family or community and all of the growth inducing things that are part of basic humanity. When a “lower class” of human beings is denied some of these rights and dehumanized it is difficult but not impossible for one to find any satisfaction in their own path of development. One is not in the position to reach a plateau of self discovery when they are housed shoddily and half starved. .

Stifled, a person is not allowed to bloom. A potted oak tree will not grow to the potential of its ground rooted neighbor based on restrictions. Restrictions bar progress in the example of the child, the loosest of these growth restrictions is employed.

Take a moment and think about self-actualization. Does your need to be you hinder the progress of others? Can you help someone else in their own journey? Who the hell are you, anyway?

-Mark Sims

New Music This Week

B.I.G. + Star Wars – Life After Death Star

get the full remix album here: http://lifeafterdeathstar.net/

Aesop Rock + Homeboy Sandman – Lice

get it for free here: https://www.stonesthrow.com/news/2015/11/lice

G-Eazy – When It’s Dark Out

get it here: http://www.g-eazy.com/